sleepified

I managed to get one hour this morning for sleep, but I was fine at work. I was a little tired and yawny this morning, but it wasn't insufferable. The only thing insufferable at work was the temperature. One of our air conditioning units is out, and the other one really doesn't cut it. So this morning was fine, but this afternoon, it was like a sauna in there. I think I lost a pound due to dehydration. :P

All this to say, once work was over, I took a nap. I was only planning on sleeping for an hour and a half, but ended up waking up at 10pm. I guess I needed that sleep more than I realized. And I would probably still be asleep except people were noisy in the loading zone downstairs. Eh...I was going to go right back to bed, but then I realized I was hungry. And now that I've eaten, my blood sugar is up and I'm awake...I'm sure it'll wear off again soon. :)

In the meantime, I'm very excited about tomorrow. :D

pontification

Can ninjas love?

and

Can forgetting something be this memorable?


3:30am update~
Sample sentence from evil grammar book: "People are afraid to say which government official ordered the massacre." Seriously, the author of this book must be shell-shocked. The ENTIRE book is full of equally morbid sentences and passages. Like this one: "The bomb exploded as soon as it had been dropped down the hospital's chimney." Or how about the tragic story of an oil rig hit by a hurricane wherein none of the crew was rescued and all perished horribly at sea?

How about something pleasant for a change, like: "See Jane run. Run, Jane, run!"?! Run away from the terrorists strafing the school you go to with Dick. Oh no! Someone poisoned Spot? Who could it be?! It must be the Muslim extremists! Unclean animal!!!! Pah...silly author. I don't care if he has degrees coming out his butt, he needs therapy!!!! (And stop picking on Muslims!!!!!)


4:50am update~
I'm currently listening to POD's album "Satellite." It's a great album, but unfortunately, it half reminds me of my ex. (Why does he keep coming up...?) And I started thinking about the myriad lies he told while I was dating him. Allow me to list a few:
1. His cousin was the leader of the Long Beach Crips and the ex much respected him.
2. Said cousin was killed by rival gang, creating emotional situation in relationship--perhaps using to get at me? The whole "tug the girl's heartstrings and she'll give it up"?
3. He said he had cancer. (never proved it, still hasn't)
4. He said he visited family in Ireland--never did.
5. He said he knew POD--the connection--but again, never proved it.
6. Claimed to have received threatening letters from gang members who "remembered" him from Long Beach.
7. He said he shot someone at a big party in an uncontrollable rage.
8. Said person later became a Christian and, although now confined to a wheelchair, has a thriving youth ministry in Colorado.
...and the list could go on. The thing is, if I knew all this about this guy, why was I ever in the relationship? Seriously, what drug was I on while I was dating him?! My word, hindsight is 20/20, but this...how could I not see it while I was dating the jerk? And I feel bad for him, because he believes his own lies. Wow.

Anyhow, back to TESL. For once, homework is a much pleasanter topic. :)

Before the Throne of God Above

I was listening to this song just now, and it's beautiful. It's about God, so it makes sense that it would be!


Before the Throne of God Above
by Charitie Lees Bancroft and Vikki Cook

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea,
A great High Priest whose name is "Love,"
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart;
I know that while in Heav'n He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the sinless Saviour died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied,
To look on Him and pardon me.
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there! the risen Lamb,
My perfect, spotless Righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace!

One with Himself, I cannot die,
My soul is purchased by His blood;
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Saviour and my God.
With Christ, my Saviour and my God.


(song performed by Crossing--one of my uni's summer ministry teams.)

future goodness

I'm so excited. The future holds such good things. Now if only the future would come now... :) I've been planning on going home for Christmas--home being Africa--and it looks like I might have a travel buddy or two! :) One of the profs at school here--who worked with my dad--has a daughter interested in coming out to Chad to work with students in Moundou--where my parents will be living. It's for a senior project, but she's planning on coming out the same time as me. And that'd be so incredibly awesome!!! :D I can tell she's a cool chick already...and I really don't know her that well. Plus, she might be able to have another friend come along...and that'd be even sweeter.

Other goodness, and maybe I mentioned this in an earlier blog, but I might have the chance to mentor a young girl this fall. She's in seventh grade and is becoming something of a handful for her parents. Her mom made the suggestion to me to be a mentor, and I really, really like the idea. I miss working with youth, and the girl's got a lot of potential. It could be lots of fun!

Other future goodness--WAY in the future--for some reason, we talk about sex a lot in the bookstore. I know it's the bookstore for a Christian university, but having two married women running things, well, I guess it's only a natural progression from barcoding to birth control. It makes me laugh, and although it can be a little embarrassing sometimes, I know that I'll appreciate the pseudo-mothership (HA!) of them being around. It's hilarious. And poor Alex...he doesn't hear most of the conversations that go on in the bookstore--because the three of us gals go back in one of the corners to talk about it--but it bugs him. Good thing he has a great attitude!

question of music

I've noticed that I listen to a lot of secular music. A lot. I'm not sure if this is necessarily bad. Maybe it's some inwardly repressed part of me that never really rebelled that's coming to the surface. That's a load of...well, manure, because I did rebel. My parents just never saw the fruit of it. In fact, I didn't *exactly* catch on to my own rebellion until recently. Oh yes, I rebelled. And it hurts to do that. No more.

But back to the music. I'm not sure if it's such a terrible thing. On the other hand, not a lot of it puts positive in...and if negative goes in, negative comes out. (GIGO) Perhaps it's time to take a fast from secular music. It'd do me good, I'm sure. It certainly couldn't hurt to not listen to it.

sunshine and daisies

I "sacrificed" my lunch break today to hang out with a friend. Really, the only "sacrifice" was in not being able to check my email, which was empty, I'm sure. So much better to spend time with people who are actually there, than to go back to an empty room and an empty inbox where I can mope about people "not caring." Jeez, Bethany, get a grip on life...people are busy.

Seriously, spending that time with my friend was such a blessing. The girl's got a head on her shoulders, and she's truly a delight to hang out with. And we have plans for Saturday. Muahhahahaha... :) I'm so excited. No words.

In other news, I am supercalifragilisticexpealidociously tired right now. Heat super zaps my energy and motivation, and I wish that I could just crawl into bed now and sleep until tomorrow morning. But there is absolutely no possible way for me to do that and still get my projects done for Friday. Yeah, I'm totally screwed anyhow. Want to be able to actually get it done, though.

Picked up two cds at our enormous music/book sale at work today. I'll purchase them on Friday when my paycheck comes in, but they are currently stashed away so as to prevent their escape into someone else's cd player. Project 86--Songs to Burn Your Bridges By and House of Heroes--House of Heroes (huzzah for self-titled albums).

On a different note: I'm rather lonely these days. It's ironic because the past few days I've actually hung out with people, as in face to face conversation, and there's still this sense of "I'm all alone." It's total bull...and it's probably just fatigue killing any sense that may have once inhabited my mind. Anyway, it's pointing me back towards the One I need to turn to at times like these, and for that, I can be grateful.

comfort?

It is the antithesis of comfort to blow you nose in the morning and to pull away a pinkish red tissue. Methinks the weather is a little too dry, don't you? And this is Seattle. Come on, a little humidity never killed us before!!!!


Random joke (for girls only, or for guys with strong stomachs):

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire orders a "Blood," which is promptly served to him. The second vampire orders a "Blood Lite," and he's given a mug of plasma. The third vampire politely requests a cup of hot water. The bartender does as he's told, but he's inwardly laughing at the pansy vampire.

After he receives his hot water, the vampire pulls a bloody tampon from his jacket, plops it in, and says, "Tea time!"

In explanation of this joke, I heard it in high school, and I'm in something of a junior high mood right now. So here it is. Pleasant, ain't it?

ROAD TRIP!!!!

I rather wish this blog was about an actual road trip, involving a motorized vehicle, but it isn't. Actually, it's about my adventures from work until 9pm. Remember, I get off work at 6pm. Well, I'd volunteered to go to my boyfriend's storage unit down the way to get something for him and mail it up to AK. Also important to note, I wholly volunteered to complete this mission...there was no casual "suggesting" or other types of hints--unless I'm a complete block of wood. Which is possible...just keep reading.

Anyhow, I actually had a potential ride down to the storage unit, but I figured, oh, it's really not THAT far to Shurguard, and I could use the exercise. After all, it's not like working in a bookstore keeps my heart rate up... So I figured I'd look up the directions to make sure I remembered how to get there. Mapquest is a handy thing, it tells you how far you're actually going and everything. (Remember how I said I might be a complete block of wood? This comes into play now...) Mapquest informed me that the distance to the storage unit was two and a half miles--okay, 2.49 miles--each way. That equals five miles. I still figure, eh, I could use the exercise.

So, silly me, I set off down the road after work with my trusty zen micro--oh mp3 player, you saved my sanity!!!--and without water or nutrition. If you're not in the Seattle area, let me also add that temperatures were up in the low 90s today. Things were a little toasty...and I've got pink arms to prove it. Oh, and one side of my face is pinker than the other. Oh. Joy.

Anyhow, I set out with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. Things are going well until I come to part of the road where the sidewalk entirely disappears...and the road goes under an overpass, and I can't really walk through the brush because it's knee-high and thorny. So I walk as close to the guardrail as I can, trying to avoid blackberry brambles. I didn't do a very good job. Then the drivers kept glaring at me. Go figure, I was walking on their road. And I almost flipped over the guardrail because I was trying to stay a little too close to it. Now that would've made this story even more interesting. The funniest thing about this: on the way back from the storage unit, I realized that there was a sidewalk...on the OPPOSITE side of the road! :P

Eventually, I made it to the storage unit and began my search. And I searched. And searched, sending text messages all the while to verify location of desired items. After looking through everything and coming up with nothing, I called the wonderful boyfriend and asked him if he was absolutely positive that what I was looking for was in the unit to begin with. (I know, I should've made that call BEFORE I walked all the way there.) Ironically, after some perplexing figuring, he thought that maybe his brother had what I was looking for. By that point, I just started laughing. Seriously, you have to laugh at something like this! :)

Before I locked up the storage unit and began to make my trek back to school, I "stole" a jar of mandarin oranges from my boyfriend's stuff. Okay, so I asked first...but I was desperate for liquid and some form of energy intake in order to make it back alive. It really hit the spot. I drank most of the juice and ate some of the orange pieces along the way. Oh, and I saw a bunny. Cute little thing.

I made it back to school by the grace of God and by the upbeat music in my player. Who knew Outkast and Spice Girls could give me the energy to make it up Suicide Hill without collapsing?

Final note: the scum of the earth were out in full force today whilst I walked. I don't know how many times guys checked me out. One of them--God bless his little pagan heart--had the gall to make kissing noises at me. The funny thing about that, he sort of did it as he drove by, but then had to stop at a light, and I could see him shrinking in his seat and stealing guilty glances at me from the side mirror. Idiot. I guess I brought it somewhat on myself by wearing a tank top--God forbid--and walking on the side of the road like a common hooker--God forbid even more. Okay, so that last statement was dripping, yea, verily oozing with sarcasm.

On an even more final note: I'm glad that things like today's happenings happen. It makes for good blogging material! :)

I can see why escort services are popular...

So I went to a wedding this afternoon. First wedding of the summer, and if I'm lucky, it shall be the only one. There's something about weddings and the ensuing receptions that's just not that thrilling. I think the only reason I went to this one was so that I could spend some more time with my parents!

Anyhow, complaint number one: in a ceremony that lasts--tops--half an hour, can two people really be thinking seriously enough about marriage? Of course, this is coming from someone more accustomed to weddings lasting several hours--not counting the reception. Anyhow, it was sweet ceremony, but it was sweltering in the church. 90 degrees out...and I'm actually a little burned across my back. I'm glad I decided against going outside and lying out once I got back from the service.

I originally planned on going to this wedding to get a shot at the bouquet...but then I didn't really know a lot of people at the reception, and when you're the odd girl out, well, it's a little awkward. And my introverted nature was keeping me well in my little self. In fact, some guy made a comment about it. ("My, you're awfully quiet. I don't think you've said a word since I sat down.") But the guy was a little tipsy, so I was perfectly fine remaining quiet, thank you very much!

All this to say, I wish I'd had a date or a good friend along with me so that I didn't feel so out of it. I would've stayed through the reception if I had, but since my parents had to go and they were my ride, I figured I'd make my getaway while the getting was still good!

Besides, who believes all that nonsense about throwing flowers anyway? :)

my new happy place

Yes, I have a happy place. It's beautiful, but its sole occupant is me. I'm deciding to make a new happy place that is that much more beautiful.

I've been reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. I bought it last summer, started to read it, recognized its value, but never finished it. This summer, I've been reading it, and it's phenomenal. I can tell that God's hand was firmly holding the authors' as it was penned. It has spoken to me deeply, touching my very core, drawing both laughter and tears--a lot of tears--as I've been reading it.

The chapter I just finished was on being romanced by God. That's something that has been so very hard for me to understand. I've never been okay with calling God my Lover, but that is exactly who He is. He loves me that much. Absolutely mind blowing! One of the things mentioned in the chapter is that the little things that move us women are the notes and whispers God leaves us to show us His love. Another thing mentioned is how we are to open our hearts to His love...which can be hard when one takes into account the broken hearts we have. One of God's little notes to me as I was reading this portion was the song I "happened" to be listening to at the time, called "Don't be Afraid [to Fall in Love Again]." Here are the lyrics and the song.

But on to my new happy place.

My happy place now consists of an open coffeehouse-like room. There's a comfortable black sofa on a natural, soft hardwood floor. One of the walls is a floor to ceiling window. There's rain falling on the windows, softly, and I can hear its gentle sound. Slow, instrumental jazz is playing quietly in the background. Maybe there's a hearth with a fire...but there I am on the sofa, curled up next to my Lover. He holds me tenderly, close to His heart. And we don't have to say anything. We know each other intimately. Maybe you can't see it, but I do. And it makes my heart melt.

God, I love you so much!

where's the morphine when you need it?

I just had a joyous epiphany. It's been long enough for me to be able to take more painkillers! Yesssss... :D

Currently, I am suffering from the cramps from hell. (And the readers' eyes light up with understanding.) Yes, this certainly does explain the manic-depressive moods from earlier in the week. Allow me to add that my "time" was much later than it should have been, so I wasn't expecting to even have one this month. This could also explain why the moodiness was as extreme as it was. But the extra stress didn't help.

Anyhow, either my pain tolerance level has dropped significantly or the intensity of my menstrual side effects has skyrocketed. Whatever it is, I'm in pain. Earlier this morning, it hurt so much that I felt like I was going to puke at any second. Unfortunately, both heating pad and hot water bottle are at home...and not here at school with me. :S

So drugs are good.

*laughs*

Having been introduced to fark.com, I now enjoy reading about the wacky news reports in the world. The following came from there, and is a similar premise. Fark's title: one week of crime in the OC.

buh-bye, grammar fiend!

The grammar project--my most recent nemesis--has been slain in the most valiant of fashion. It resulted in my drinking a coke at (what was it?) 3:30am (or so) and eating an unwarmed can of chili...out of the can. It did not, however, prevent me from getting to work on time, even though I went to bed at 6am and got up at 8:30am. This is progress, peoples! On nights when I get three or four times that amount of sleep, I struggle mightily to get out of bed. This morning, although it was still a miniature scuffle, I managed to drag my exhausted and already jittery carcass from my "princess and the pea" bed. I currently have two mattresses stacked up, and it's getting a little wobbly up on my perch. In fact, I have to use a parachute to safely make it to the floor in the morning. (Maybe that's why I've been late to work...?)

Anyhow, so now that this grammar project is done, I only have...three more projects in the works! I swear, these assignments keep spontaneously generating in efforts to annihilate what's left of my sanity. They're like Uruk-Hai being birthed from strange crossings. Nasty like orcses too, precious. *Gollum!*

I am currently on the tail end of my lunch break, eating a chocolate flavored power bar. These things have got to be carcinogenic, but they're enough of a meal replacement to get me through the day when I need to skimp of making lunch. It can take a surprisingly lengthy amount of time to put a sandwich together. Crazy. I only have half an hour, so it makes the break less like a break and more like a switch up in the zaniness of the day. Ah well, new scenery and a chance to walk in the sun is good enough for me!

So the meeting that was scheduled for this morning got bumped back to 1:30...and now to 2pm. I hope that I can still make it in today. If not, I think I'll have to take it as God's way of gently shutting the door on that idea.

Anyhow, I'm now parched from that power bar, so I'm going to go hunt some water. It is quite the feat to hunt water, I'll have you know. You can't use orthodox weapons and traps. One must use...a mouth. *shock!* I know, I thought it was pretty barbaric the first time I heard it too. :)

not normal

I am up late doing this grammar project for TESL. It's coming along slowly. I have a feeling I'll be up all night long--again. I should just resign myself to this. Or I should start earlier in the week like I plan to. Eh...chalk it up to experience. Learn next time! (Remember this exhaustion and the boredom. Think about how comfortable your bed is...)

Anyhow, I figured I'd see what was in my fridges. Yes, I have three in my dorm room. They're mini, and hey, if you were living in the dorms without a cafeteria all summer, you'd appreciate the extra space as well. Don't give me none of that garbage that is formulating in your mind. :) Thank you. Wow, I digress swiftly at 3:40am.

So I look in one of my fridges, getting distracted by the mirror and the fact that I am dancing in front of it. *blush* Yeah, this white girl don't dance...unless she's alone in her room and it's 3:40am. But I digress again.

I found--oh treasure trove of non-caloric goodness!--a Coca-Cola Zero. Sweet bliss with caffeine! (Side note: I ought to stop drinking caffeinated beverages to stay awake...I should just get more sleep!) So I open the can, start to take a sip...and there's some floating thing that hits my mouth. My first thought: does coke ever "go bad"? Can it curdle? And then I had to laugh, because let's face it, of all the chemicals and "natural" ingredients in coke, dairy ain't one of 'em! I think...

Turns out, the can had been sitting in my coldest fridge--which I'd been storing frozen meals in earlier in the month. I'm surprised that a) I forgot that and b) that the can hasn't exploded by now. I guess the fridge didn't get cold enough, which is good. How does one explain to someone upon returning the borrowed fridge that there is shrapnel embedded in the interior surfaces from an exploding coke can?

a morning of accomplishment

This morning was a morning of accomplishment. Do you ever have those mornings where, even though you don't plan your routine the night before, everything goes like clockwork...and beyond? I had one of those mornings today. I got up, turned on the coffeemaker, took a shower, applied lotion, got dressed, ate breakfast, made up my morning fix (aka COFFEE), took my allergy meds and a vitamin, and got to work on time. Well, maybe I was five minutes late...but even so, it was an accomplished morning. And several of those items mentioned were not in my typical morning routine, so all the better. :)

I have decided to start taking vitamins in hopes that my hair will grow faster. And even if the hair thing doesn't work out, I'll at least be getting the vitamins and minerals that I'm not getting b/c of my diet. Oi...sandwiches and cereal don't have much going for them! :P At least I have good sandwich fixin's and I don't get bored with tastes very often.

In other news, I'm meeting with our campus pastor in the morning to talk about my testimony. I'm hoping he can shed light on whether or not this "burden" I've been feeling to share it is something of the Lord or of my "look at me!" flesh. If you read this before 10am pacific time, please keep this meeting in your prayers! I've been praying--and continue to pray--that what is said and done in the meeting will be led by the Spirit and not by human motivation. Lord, let your will be done in all of this!

On an entirely different note, I have a TESL project to get working on...and my motivation and creativity are nil. (so not a good sign...) I leave you with this, a token of my insanity:

Pocket ninjas are the new pink, I swear. :)

*slaps forehead*

I am leaving the post below intact--even though I'd like to annihilate it from the face of the planet--because I would like to keep myself a reminder to NEVER EVER write emotional blogs again. There is no reason for the world to read the inner darkness of my mind. I can write it in my diary--on paper!--and/or bring it to God. That's the best way to deal with it.

hag: [see Bethany]

If you look up the word "hag" in the Oxford English Dictionary, you shall see a picture of my face. I am truly a witch. I have no excuse for being the way that I've been the past few days. I've been downright evil to the wonderful guy that I'm dating...and for absolutely no reason.

Okay, so there was a perverse side to my nature that was curious to see if he could actually get mad at me...but I didn't think I'd ever succeed at doing that. Well, moral of the story, don't antagonize people--ever--especially if they are people that you want to stick around.

I have a feeling that I've pushed too far. Maybe that's what I wanted all along...? *sad thought* Maybe I just wasn't ready for a dating relationship...and maybe I'm not good enough of a person to make a relationship work. Maybe I'm really the evil force behind the broken relationships in my past. Maybe I'm the reason that nothing works...

NO.

I can't believe this...in one day, I go from giving everything over to God so that He can fix me, to taking it all back and dealing with things in my own strength. I think we can all see that I really screwed that up. *hangs head* Back to square one, I guess...

Why is it so hard? And why does it hurt so much? And why am I unnecessarily lashing out at those that I love? Why?

Maybe I've been this way because some part of my mind thinks that if I make the first offensive, I am less likely to be harmed. This is ludicrous. Why am I being such a jerk about this? Why? I don't want to be so horribly wicked...

prayer (read only if you're nosy)

God, I thank you for who you are. You are amazing. There is no end to your love and faithfulness. When I'm broken, you put me back together with patience and tenderness. You kiss my owies and you wipe away the tears. When I'm battered, bruised, and lonely, you are still there to hold me and remind me that everything will be all right. Even in my brokenness, you tell me that I am still good, still worth fighting for. You see through the stuff that I've put up in my life to the potential that you have planted within me. You remind me of the plans that you have for me, and they are good plans--every one of them. When I fight you, saying that I can do it on my own, you wait patiently for me to realize that I can't. And then you step in and put things right again. Your infinite patience and compassion astound me. There is no one like you!

You know that I've been hurt, Father, because you've been there with me when it happened. You saw the deeds done, you heard what was said, you know how deeply I have been wounded by my past--whether from others, or from pain that I have inflicted on myself. You know better than I how much I am broken. You know that I've listened to the lies of the enemy...how I've believed that I am worthless, that I am ugly, that I am a shameful mark on your people. It is so hard to break free from that bondage! But I want to be free. I want to be whole. I want to forgive and let the past stay where it is.

Jesus, I accept not only your redemptive work on the cross...your sacrifice that brings me to you forever--I thank and praise you for that!--but also your promise that you came to heal the brokenhearted. You came to set the captives free. I choose to renounce the lies that I've held onto. I release the pain, the bitterness, the shame, that has held me back from my true self that you have created. I open my heart--hesitantly, because it has been broken before--to let you in more. I open my heart and ask for vulnerability, so that I can show your heart to those around me.

Spirit, I ask that you will work in my life. Give me discernment in my thoughts and desires that I will see what needs to be uprooted. Guard my heart from the lies of the devil, from any traps that might be laid. Help me to know when to let go, when to hold on, when to endure. Help me to see those broken around me. Use me to reach these people--your beloved.

I lay it all down. Take my life and make me what you will. I trust you, God. I know that you will not hurt me.

I love you.


amen (let it be so, Lord!)

crawling into God's arms

I've spent a lot of time in there the past few days. It's a good place to be, but it hurts a lot. At least it's okay with God if I cry my heart out. And He won't break it cruelly. He'll dress the wounds and make it all better.

...and I can't believe I'm crying again. It just keeps coming. Seriously, I haven't cried like this in a long time--tears are rolling down my cheeks as I'm typing, and I have to keep blinking to keep my vision clear. This is nuts. I don't know why it's been like this. Stop the trembling chin and lower lip! Stop the sobbing and the weeping and the headaches and the ensuing dehydration! Stop the puffy telltale eyelids the next morning. I don't want anyone to know that I'm hurting.

I don't want to let that be known...and yet I'm posting it on the internet. (What kind of a freak am I?!)

Okay, so maybe I do want people to know that I hurt. But I'm not expecting anyone to do or say anything about it. Because people don't tend to. I hope no one does. Because that shall only induce further bouts of tears that I don't need. And I don't need aches and pains from the emotional past to come back and terrorize me again.

And I don't need people to assume that they know what's going on. Because unless I tell them straight out what the deal is, it's doubtful that they do.

dreams

For some reason, I hear that Cranberries song every time I say that word. But that's off-topic. Slightly.

So I had these dreams in the midst of waking up this morning.

Dream 1 involved me praying about something...I think it was in a church service, but then I started speaking in tongues. My relationship with this gift of the Spirit is tenuous and vacillates from one extreme to the other, but mostly with my having a neutral perspective. Personally, even though I am a "Pentecostal," I have never spoken in tongues. I do not think that the gift is overrated. I believe that their is empowerment through this form of prayer. But I do think that it is often overemphasized to the point that it drives people away from God--which is something that God does not intend to have happen!

Anyhow, it was a very freeing, personal experience in my dream, and it reawakened the desires in my heart to receive this gift. I don't know if this will happen, and I'm not pursuing it in my human desires to fit in or to gain more power. If God wills that I speak in tongues, He will have it come to pass in His timing...not mine.

Dream 2--on an entirely opposite end of the dream spectrum--involved me getting slimed by a giant worm. Eeeewwwww... And then I slithered down a hole in the dirt, with the worm pursuing me...yeah, brilliant move on my part. And then something attacked the worm that was already in the hole--still don't know what it was--but it got the worm off my back, so I don't really care what it was! All this to say: I don't know if I should ever read into my dreams.

sad reflections of a pitiful soul

I don't know how I will ever be able to demonstrate God's love to strangers if I am incapable of showing love to those who are dearest to me. It almost makes me question God as to why He's calling me to minister to those around me. I pretty much suck at it. The only positive thing I can see in this is that if I am capable of ministering, it won't be by any means I have within me. It will only be able to come from God. Perhaps this is yet another way of God pointing out that I need to rely on Him instead of on my own strength.

I wish learning God's lessons didn't hurt so much.

Sundays are amazing

Despite having been up kind of late last night, I made it to church this morning and really enjoyed the service. I love my church. We have a great pastoral staff, a very warm congregation, and we're growing spiritually as a body. I like it. :) Also, even though today's sermon was geared towards fathers specifically, I still took notes because I'm sure I can use the same principles as a mother (someday).

I enjoyed a much need lunch from Sarducci's, then took a bike ride. Wow...it's so obvious that I haven't ridden my bike since last summer. I was dying. :P Well, okay, it wasn't so bad once I warmed up, but at first I thought I was going to die. ;) Sadly, I was going up to the park nearby to ride on the trails and only found out, once I got there, that bikes were not allowed in--only people or dogs. Sadness. :( Oh well, I still got plenty of exercise!

I just finished watching a tv show about fine living. I can't believe how some people live. Beautiful, stunning homes and resorts. Yeah, the resorts were what really blew me away. There's this one resort in Jamaica called Goldeneye. It is, in fact, where Ian Fleming penned his 007 novels--I'm not sure if the resort was named after the books, or vice versa. Anyhow, I was curious about this resort because it was simply phenomenal...and found out that the 1 bedroom cottages--the smallest unit available--run for $750 a night. Yeah, you heard me. A NIGHT. Sure, it's all-inclusive, but that's just NUTS! If only I had money like that... :P

random thoughts throughout the day

Being a geek's girlfriend has its perks--built-in tech advice being one of them--but it can occasionally have its downfalls. Communication! To solve this dilemma, I have discovered: l33tSp34K.

Enjoy.


6:30pm update

Okay, this is probably kind of gross, but I just now finished taking a shower. They can be so glorious! :) I used shower gel for the first time in a long time--I usually just use soap--but now my skin smells all pretty. And I'm not blowdrying my hair--also a first in a long time--because I don't see the point in subjecting it to dry heat torture when I'm going to be around anyone. We'll see how frizzy it comes out. :P


7:07pm update

The week before the end of spring semester--or thereabouts--I got out of bed and slammed my left shin into the bottom frame of the bunkbed. (I was on the top.) Well, it was swollen and bruised for awhile, but after the discoloration faded back to my normal skin tone, I forgot about it. However: the bump is still there. When I compare my two shins, my left one looks deformed. It has been a good month and a half since the initial owie--why is it still there?


7:21pm update

The secret to weightloss without really trying: cut out the empty calories. Without intaking stuff like soda, cookies, candy, ice cream--whatever--it can seriously help. It also helps to not really have food available... :P *chuckle*


8:16pm update

I don't know why, but the 1950s domestic life appeals to me. Call me strange. But there's something pleasantly appealing about being a housewife. Sitting around a fire in the evening, I'd be doing some kind of handwork, the husband would be smoking a pipe. We'd chat about our days. Cooking, cleaning, keeping a house well run. Of course, ideally, I would be able to do all of those supremely well...and I really don't. But while we're running with my fantasy, indulge me a little. And this would be a perfect world--like the one portrayed in all those old shows. Eh...who needs perfection, right? I'll settle for reality. :)

John Keats on sleep

To Sleep
John Keats

O soft embalmer of the still midnight,
Shutting, with careful fingers and benign,
Our gloom-pleased eyes, embowered from the light,
Enshaded in forgetfulness divine:
O soothest Sleep! if so it please thee, close,
In midst of this thine hymn, my willing eyes,
Or wait the "Amen," ere thy hoppy throws
Around my bed its lulling charities.
Then save me, or the passed day will shine
Upon my pillow, breeding many woes, -
Save me from curious conscience, that still lords
Its strength for darkness, bun-owing like a mole;
Turn the key deftly in the oiled wards,
And seal the hushed casket of my soul.

fun times in the bookstore

So the big project at the bookstore this summer is the renovations that we are undergoing. It's been quite busy. Anyhow, it gets a little tedious after awhile--and it wears on all of us--but we've managed to break up the monotony with a few random fun things. Here's one of them: testing out the new bookshelves to see how much weight they can hold. Shown below are the examples of said tests:

Trying to figure out the best way to get in

My hair looks like Elvis'...It's awkward to be sandwiched between two guys. I don't care if there's metal shelving between us...Peace, yo!We add Ronda...and I get boredJust kidding! All smiles again!The entire bookstore crew. We've gone nuts, I swear!

So here it is: what we've really been doing in the bookstore. That's how we make the big bucks here at NU. We climb on bookshelves like a bunch of monkeys! Anyhow, I don't know why all the blood rushed to my head in there. With my body flat, it's illogical that it should have happened. I'm naturally somewhat red-faced, but these pics make me look like I've been swinging upside down on a jungle gym...

hahahaha

"Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow was already taken."

HA! So true... :P


In other news, but somewhat related...Coney is so funny! I haven't watched him in awhile. There are some perks about needing to stay up late anyhow! :) AND...AND Dane Cook will be on this show. So that's two great things to be grateful for. :)


Darryl Hannah spent three weeks up in a tree protesting a non-inner city garden...? Wha? But there was Darrell Hammond on Conan just to redeem that story. :) Haha! I love it...I gotta go do my homework. :P

Also: i want to drive a car...really fast...while blasting Fall Out Boy and other random fun tunes. With the windows rolled down...and a silk scarf blowing in the breeze. (Ciao!)


UPDATE at 5am: the birds outside should go back to bed and hush up. And I'm enjoying my toasted raisin nut bread with butter. It's quite the divine little snack. Moreover, I'm at least halfway done with my project now, and I'm on a roll. So I'm outtie...

Barbie

Random early morning thought:

I'm really a girly girl at heart. I don't like putting in the time and effort to primp and look like Barbie, but let's face it: I wish I looked like her. I'm not all that fond of the physically impossible figure, but the perfectly coiffed hair, the expertly applied makeup (okay, it's paint) and the designer clothes...a girl could get used to it! Plus, there are thousands, if not millions, of girls all over the world who look up to her. (Okay, that's kind of odd...) Yes, it's fake, but it's kind of a perfect little world.


Random mid-afternoon thought:

I have not been this angry in a long time. I was so upset that my face had flushed...and that is a rare occurrence indeed.

Also, I am annoyed that places of business do not maintain their posted hours. Point: library closed at six, when they say that they'll be open until 9pm tonight. I needed that library to be open. There is no other word to describe it. NEED, not desire or "oh, that'd be nice if it were open tonight..." I NEEDED IT OPEN!


Random early evening thought:

If I sit back and contemplate how late I'm going to be up tonight--if I sleep at all--I shall dissolve into a ball of useless tears. *cries*

*feline shriek*

Okay, so earlier today I was in a serious "touch me and you'll die" kind of mood. Seriously, I was about ready to attack one of my coworkers with a xacto knife (or however you spell that) because I was kind of distracted and he'd touch me on the shoulder to get my attention. It wasn't inappropriate touching by any means, but it was just that I didn't want to be touched by ANYONE today. Seriously. I would've bit off my mom's head today if she'd attempted to hug me.

This only means one thing: I'm really evil to the core. *sigh*

Anyhow, later in the afternoon, the manager cracked open a bag of dark chocolate wafers and shared them amongst us five. Pretty much lifted my sour mood and I was practically purring with contentment.

This only means one thing more: I'm halfway addicted to chocolate and must have needed a fix.

Also, even though we were very busy today at work, I was still getting bored. There are only so many returns a person can figure out and box and label and organize before one's brains start melting from one's nostrils. There was a veritable puddle of grey matter congealing on the floor by the end of the day. So when my manager announced that she needed to go to the post office to mail all of the returns that I have packaged, I suggested that she might need a cohort to help unload and bring it in. She condescended to allow me to come along. I jumped at the opportunity to leave the bookstore. There's only so much of books I can take in one day...and today's limit was a lot shorter than it usually is.

This also means one thing: really...it doesn't, but I feel the need for a repetitive pattern

Anyhow, we stood in line at the post office for a little over an hour...but had a delightful chat. I texted my roommate about my opinion on loafers--I don't understand the thinking that went into them--and we joked around with Hector, the mail guy. Really, everyone who works at that post office is super rad. They're great. :)

This can mean only one thing: the comment about going "postal" did not originate from them

This evening, after work, my two male coworkers--yeah, chillin' with the guys!--and I ordered pizza--the 5-5-5 deal is amazing--and watched Chronicles of Narnia on the big screen in the team room. Shh...don't tell! It was fun. We got a running commentary about all of the back story and the creative efforts that went into the film from Evan, the Narniac. :) It was fun. We're planning on doing another movie night again during the summer. Hey, when a meal for the three of us costs less than $20 AND we get entertainment? Look no further!

This only means one thing: that movie theatres are laughing their butts off every time another consumer buys a ticket and/or food

Anyhow, now I'm back in my room, enjoying internet--I take it for granted so often--and needing to work on the big TESL project due Friday. An entire unit plan--10 hours of class time--and so much to do.

This only means one thing: I shall die before I turn it in

Final note about the day...someone mentioned my "beau" in Alaska today, and that started this huge discussion on how in African American lingo that means something totally different. So we got online--the almighty Google god--and looked up a slang dictionary. This provided endless hours of amusement for us all. Here it is, if you're interested.

This can really only mean one thing: for sheezy, this chassy's gotta navigate!

the pms song

Sung to the tune of "Christmas is Coming":

That time of month is coming
And I am feeling fat
I shall soon have feelings
Like an old she-cat

If I haven't got some Midol,
Tylenol will do
If I haven't got some chocolate,
Then I'll hurt you...

Kind of a strange song, yes, but if you're a girl or you know a girl, I'm sure that it's understandable.

determined

I talked with my parents today over lunch--wendy's=comfort food. It was emotional, but good. Through it, I've come to the conclusion of being determined. I know, who really cares, right? Not that exciting for anyone who might read this, but it's thrilling for me. :)

And you know what the most exhilarating feeling in the whole wide world is? Coming through a hard time and realizing that God is still there--even through it all. Maybe this past week wasn't spiritual warfare like I thought it was. Maybe, as a friend of mine suggested, it was God's way of pruning me. I think that's more like it. I hope this time the pruning sticks. (at least in this area) I'm sure that God will continue to prune me as I grow--after all, it's only healthy to cut away the bad and encourage the healthy to grow!

There is such joy in finding God again, in seeing Him. I know that I don't see Him completely. But the little that I do see brings me joy coupled with tears and laughter. God is so good. I was just reminded of a song that my church in PO sings after every service--so fitting for this time. Here it is:

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory
In the power of the cross

In every victory,
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone!

Wow, so good! I think I'm gonna go revel in that for awhile. :D

irony sucks

This is cruelly ironic. Just yesterday, I posted a blog in which I mentioned that no one is enough on his or her own and that we all need God. God is the only One who is enough.

Today was another insecure day. I don't know what this is. I don't want to blame it on "hormones" because, frankly, I don't think this is what it is. At the same time, I don't want to say that I'm under spiritual attack, because, frankly, I don't think that there's anything I'm doing or anything that's about to break that the devil wouldn't want to have happen.

Regardless of what it is that is causing me to feel so insecure, I feel less than enough. And this is the ironic part. I know that I can never be enough of anything to satisfy, or whatever. And I know that in God's eyes, that's okay. He's got my back, and with Him, I can be enough; and He can use me in His plans. But I have this nagging thought in my head that to people I know, I'll never be enough. I'll never be smart enough, pretty enough, confident enough, spiritual enough, fun enough, enough of a leader, to measure up to others' standards. And this is driving me crazy. I know that I don't need to do that. What people think of me is nothing in comparison to what God thinks of me. If I don't measure up to what people think, big deal!

I know that. And yet, I still feel like it's not sticking. Why, oh why, does my mind war against itself?

quote from "God's Smuggler"

I've been reading this book about a Dutch believer--Brother Andrew--who has smuggled Bibles into Communist countries all over the world. So far in the book, he's been "blackballed" from Yugoslavia with a "persona non grata" stamp in his passport. However, he's been given the opportunity to travel to both Romania and Bulgaria. The stamp is a problem if he wants to get visas into these countries. Here's the quote following this passage:

...But there was still that matter of the passport. What could I do about the bad page? Tear it out? That was impossible, since all the pages were numbered. Throw the whole thing away, pretend I had lost it, and file a claim for a new one? But that was not the Royal Way; the King's servants didn't have to stoop.

I went to the Hague, to the office of passport control, and showed the reviewing officer my problem. He was very understanding. "I sympathize with you," he said, "but there's nothing we can do."

"You see," I said, "I'm a missionary. I want to go to these countries to contact the Christians there."

He considered this for a moment. Then he shook his head. "We can't even give you hints about how to get a new passport quickly. Such as, for instance, doing a lot of travel in nearby countries and always insisting that they stamp your papers, so that your passport will fill up sooner. We couldn't even give you hints like that, don't you see? I'm very sorry."

Within a few weeks I had a new passport...
(Brother Andrew 136)

Brother Andrew, John and Elizabeth Sherrill. God's Smuggler. Old Tappan, New Jersey: Spire Books, 1967.

laughing uncontrollably

So I don't know why I'm even confessing this, because it's pathetic of me. Don't ask how I got here, but I did.

I just took this quiz online that's titled "Are you Paris or Nicole?" (no joke, I really am that pathetic.) And my result? I'm Tinkerbell, the loyal sidekick. If you're not one to follow celebrity gossip at all, Tinkerbell would be Paris Hilton's chihuahua. So I don't know if I should be flattered that I'm not like either Nicole or Paris--it's a relief, actually. But I'm not sure if I should be insulted at being compared to a shivering, bug-eyed dog. *ouch*

Anyhow, it's freakishly late, my neck is starting to hurt from sleep deprivation...and well, there's really no reason for me to still be up.

(But I'm still laughing...)

God's working!

At the end of spring semester, I kept saying to people that I was looking forward to summer because I had a sense that God was going to do great things. And then summer came and nada. I'm not blaming God, because His timing is perfect, and honestly, I was neither ready nor willing to let God work in my life.

This past week I've been turning to all of my horizontal relationships--meaning to people--with all of my problems--especially to one person--and it was a horrible week. I know that when I do that, when I try to rely on people or myself instead of on God, that things go horribly wrong. My strength is never strong enough, my will is never determined enough, my wisdom is never wise enough--and no other human's is. Humanity, as a whole, is never "enough." Simply, we can't do it on our own. We need that supernatural connection. We need God. This is such a basic truth, and like all basic truths, it is the one that is most easily forgotten or brushed aside. I am guilty of having forgotten this, and I've damaged enough people in the past week.

Fortunately, I serve a good God who is faithful and loves me and keeps me on track--when I sit back and realize that I ought to. Today I started reading a book by Brother Andrew called "God's Smuggler." It's an autobiographical book chronicling a Dutch believer's missionary work behind the Iron Curtain. It's been inspiring, to say the least. It's been encouraging, and I'm grateful for having listened to whatever it was that pushed me to bring it home with me this weekend. (Hm, can we say, "GOD"?) With everything that I've experienced in the past 36 hours--renewed faith, getting back towards the place where God wants me to be, apologizing for my actions throughout the week--this book's content is just what I needed to read today.

It's been challenging, but so good. It's made me think a lot. But it's also making me smile. It's a reminder of the good stuff that missions holds--the future and the present that God has prepared for me. And it's a real, down to earth perspective. For awhile now, even though I've grown up on the field and should know better, I've been holding on to these glossy, overglorified dreams of what being a missionary will be like. It's good to remember the everyday is still very much there, and that doesn't mean that God is working any less.

Anyhow, I've run off to type this out while it's on my mind...but we're having a little birthday shindig for the sibs right now--their b-days are about five days apart--so I need to be getting back to it. :)

java jolt

As you may have noticed from previous entries, I got very little sleep last night. I went to bed at 7am and woke up at 8:30...well, okay, I snoozed until 9am and was sorely tempted to "sleep through" my alarm. But I resisted the sinful urges of my tainted flesh and managed to drag my sorry carcass from my o-so-comfortable cocoon of a bed. I like my bed maybe a little too much...

I haven't pulled an all-nighter like this (okay, so it's not technically an all night since I managed a nap in there) since the end of spring semester. I forgot how much I hated them. I ought to make myself a sign and post it somewhere in my room that says: "All-nighters suck. You're going to a Christian university in order to avoid that hungover feeling." Seriously, when you wake up in the morning and you can't walk straight, or your entire body is jittery from a much-needed adrenaline rush, it's a sign that you should still be sleeping.

All this to say, I drank some much needed coffee this morning. It's lasted me, but now that it's gone, I've turned to Pepsi for the next caffeine kick. Also a bad sign when you MUST imbibe caffeine laden beverages in order to function as a normal human being. Oddly enough, even though I feel almost sick to my stomach from having not slept, I actually feel better emotionally today than I felt all week. (I still have poor grammar however...this from an English major who's going to teach others English professionally...yikes.)

In other news, my parents are finally going to be meeting my boyfriend's dad today. Busy people have a hard time getting together--and both of our parents are busy people. Ironically, I am not worried about this meeting at all. I think it'll be good. It's a sort of blessing/curse. If it goes well, I'm going to take it as just that much more confirmation from God that this relationship is right. If it goes poorly, well, I'll take it the other way, and even though that'd suck like nothing else--I don't even want to think about that right now--I would take the appropriate measures. And I know that Tyler would as well. After all, if God tells you to do something, you'd best do it to avoid foolish troubles later. (Trust me, I know from so much personal experience that this is true!)

demi-success

I have my research done. YES! And it's only 3:20am. That's all. No need for sleep tonight. After all, tomorrow is Friday. Shorter work day, I'm going home for the weekend, I can recover then. So I'm feeling accomplished. Because although it's insanely early in the morning, I didn't start going over my research until maybe an hour ago. Hehehe...yeah, I'm a super slacker. (I REALLY NEED TO WORK ON THIS)

In related news, the more I learn about China, the more I want to go there. I've never been to the Asian continent, which is downright tragical when one realizes that I've spent nearly my entire life overseas and a good deal of that time was spent in various sojournings to and fro over the face of the planet. Anyhow, I'm very glad that I may have the opportunity to work in China next summer, using my TESL classes that I've taken this summer. We'll see how things fall together. :)

[6:30am edit: I've read more into my research now, and according to this one book's perspective on Chinese culture, I ought to fit in well. I already have a lot of TCK tendencies that set me apart in the US, but would enable me to blend--to some extent--within the Chinese culture. Obviously I'm going to stand out no matter what I do...]

In this unrelated story, I kept having random anxiety attacks today. No, they were not debilitating, but I could not stop my heart from pounding wildly. Also, my stomach was churning in that sickening way of, "Something horrible is happening, but I don't know what" way. I've felt these sensations before at various times in my life, but it wasn't until this evening when I was describing it to Ty that he suggested it was an anxiety attack. It sucked. Sucked hardcore enough for me to start crying...but what else is new in the emotional life of this one? :P

Anyhow, my bread for my sandwich is toasted...and I'm hungry.

feelin' high

I'm in the upstairs part of the school library right now, ignoring the empty feeling in my stomach. I want to make the most of my time in the library--it closes at 9pm during the summer. So why am I writing a blog instead of doing just that? Good question. I don't know...

Anyhow, I'm currently listening to Fall Out Boy's song "Sugar, We're Goin Down." I don't know why I feel this compulsion to blog every time I listen to this song. I have so many senses tied up in this song. The content isn't the best, but the song itself just catches and sticks in my head. It makes me feel high. It reminds me of Tyler, of him singing it in the backseat of Nate's car on the way down to pick up the van. And the three guys--Ty, Nate, and Zack--jammin' away...makes me smile and wish school would start up again so that I could hang with all the great peeps that go here. But summer is just going to drag on and on... :P

Now I'm listening to the next Fall Out Boy song on my playlist..."A Little Less Sixteen Candles, a little more 'Touch Me.'" This also reminds me of driving in Nate's car with Tyler. That time, which still makes me smile at the memory, I was really sick. Ty convinced his roommate to drive us to Safeway so that I could get meds for my nasty cold. Quality guys--both of 'em. I'm just a *little* more partial to the one than the other. (JUST KIDDING!) Tyler's so the better of the two. :)

And back to the library...I'm researching my topic of Chinese university students and I have a stack of five books about Chinese culture, symbols, and history. I also have 28 pages of info from various websites...so I should have enough research materials to complete my project. I just wish that I had put more effort in earlier in the week. I'll be able to do this paper, it's just going to call for a late night. (Drat.)

So I'm gonna get started on that. (hehehe...yeah right. I'm gonna go procrastinate is more like it...)

blown away

Last night I read Steven Dietz' play "The Nina Variations." I was blown away by his work. I've never read Chekov's "Seagull" on which this play was based, so there is no way for me to compare, but my hat is off to Dietz. This play is phenomenal. It takes one scene and reworks it forty two times, revealing the plot of the original. I'm amazed. Wow. I hope that NU puts on this production some time. I heard that it was in the works for spring semester and was replaced by R&J--which was a great production. But I hope that this comes into the picture while I'm still here. It's phenomenal.

In totally unrelated news, I'm thinking of sharing my story with people. The whole thing. I think that it would be helpful for others. But I'm still holding back. I want to make sure that this is a God thing and not a me thing. I don't want to share all the details of my past with people if it's not going to be worth it, y'know? So in the meantime, I'm in prayer about this. According to how the pieces fall together, I'll know if it's something that will come to fruition or die in the works. We'll see what God's got up His proverbial sleeve on this one...

new thoughts on love

"Hero" by Enrique Inglesias

Would you dance
if I asked you to dance?
Would you run
and never look back?
Would you cry
if you saw me cry?
And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble
if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die
for the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Would you swear
that you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by your forever.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.


Okay...so I was listening to this song, and chatting with the man in my life at the same time. So of course I was relating certain aspects of the song to the relationship we have, especially in light of the incredibly over-the-top emotional day that I've been having--and how he was willing to listen to me talk things out. He's really great like that--yet another thing that makes me love him more.

But then I stopped and thought over the song again. I know it doesn't apply wholly to how God views me, or how I view Him--but again, certain aspects of it do pertain to that relationship. For the longest time, I could never wrap my mind around the concept of God as a lover. I was very uncomfortable with the concept. It had such dirty connotations in my mind, and I was definitely NOT okay with it.

However, due to a lot of emotional healing that I've undergone this year--kind of ironic in view of today's emotional psychoses--I am actually able to understand that perception of God. He woos us gently, tenderly. He never forces Himself on the ones he loves. He invites us to dance with Him, to be a part of His great and wonderful plans. But He allows us to be the ones to come tentatively into His presence, where we wait, trembling, to see what He will do. And yet, we should never be afraid of what He might do. He will not harm us. Whatever happens, God allows it for good things to happen in return.

Here, I am allowed to pause and consider. I have my road diverging before me. I can take one path that says, "All of these things have happened, and they really sucked. Nothing good has come from it...I don't believe that God loves me!" Or the other path offered, says, "I haven't seen the good from it, and I might never see it. But I'm trusting that He knows best and has what's best in store--not only for me, but for the unseen that He still cares about."

This is somewhat rambling...so I'm going to stop for now. Sleep calls.

abuse

I just read a pamphlet, a sort of testimonial, about sexual abuse and how victims can recover from it. The author had been abused by her father from the age of four to puberty. When she had tried to tell her mother about it as a girl, her mother had refused to believe her--so she repressed it all until over ten years into her marriage. Then the memories started to come back and it was downhill from there. She discussed how she went through her healing process, of the counseling and the support of friends and family--her husband was amazing, I tell ya--and how she was finally able to forgive both of her parents. Made me cry.

But this makes me angry at the same time. Why does no one ever address the situation of abuse coming from a peer? Especially in this booklet, the author says that victims are powerless and are unable to stop the violence from the abuser. And yet, what if the victim had the power to stop the abuser, but didn't...? Does that make the victim not a victim? What then? Is then the receiver of the abuse not abused? And what if the abuse is not violent? Is it then not classified as abuse? Does this make the victim an enabler--just as guilty as the initiator of the abuse? And what if the victim, after awhile, initiates the act(s)? Does this void the abuse factor?

space

I'm currently preparing a list of things to get at Bartell's, and in the middle of writing, my mind wandered back over the recent months and their events. And I got completely lost in thought. Totally spaced out.

When I came to, I had a silly smile on my face, and I was looking intently at these two photographs that are on my desk. Hmm...I think I need to focus more.

restless

Hormones are a curse. I'd just like to throw that out there...

I have these monthly bouts of restlessness. I feel like I'm going in thirty different directions at once, but I'm simultaneously standing still. I feel torn. I feel beat up. I feel like I should be doing something--that elusive something--but I don't know what. I feel caught in a vortex of things...and I don't know how to explain it.

It drives me crazy, but I'm thankful for it. When I look back at this past year, I can point to these various restless periods of time, and I see that they have been catalysts to drive me forward. Maybe it's biology--pure and simple. Maybe it's God getting ahold of me and shaking me up. Whatever it is, it's a good thing--so far.

*grits teeth*

Ever get angry and don't really know why? You know there's something up, but you don't know what it is. And then you end up snapping at the people you love, and you know that they're not doing anything to upset you, but you can't stop yourself anyway? And then you say things you regret and wish you could take back? And then you decide to blog about it because you don't know what else to do about it?

Yeah, that never happens to me...

bizarre

This is referring back to my "homicidal entity" blog about my body wanting to kill me. It's still in search of fresh blood. :P

So I was exhausted this afternoon and figured I should take a nap. After all, I didn't fall asleep until about 2:30am. So I set my alarm, crawl into bed, and my body goes at it again. My neck and shoulders absolutely would not relax. They were insanely tense, and I had to focus really hard to relax them--not exactly ideal, right? And then I had this fever thing...so weird!

My body hates me.

All of this has the making of some horror movie. *shakes head* Either my body is trying to bump me off, or I'm just going crazy. Maybe both...?

discovery

I have found out the real reason why I have long nails. (And no, they're nothing astounding, but they are natural...) The only purpose to my long (ish) nails is so that I can handle microwaved foods without burning the pads of my fingertips. Truly.

With these nails, I am able to balance sizzling hot bowls, cartons, or whatever, on the tips of my fingernails without fear of potential 3rd degree burns. YES!!! Finally, something that's both attractive AND practical!

sleeplessness

I can't sleep. It's 2am and I have to be up early for church in the morning. Phooey...Oh well, it's giving me opportunity to write a blog--I'm obsessed--read a good book--all hail the genius Tolkien!--and listen to Waiata. :) I love music.

Really, the reason why I'm writing is because of the music. I was in the thick of depression a year and a half ago, and at the end of last spring semester, I was unable to listen to music and be moved by it. It became a passive activity, which compounded my sadness since music was always something that hit me. Before depression, I couldn't listen to music without feeling stirred deep within. Then I had depression and everything changed.

Things have gotten better since then--so much better--but I can tell that it's taken time. Slowly rebuilding to where I was--if that's entirely possible. Anyhow, I listen to music now and I feel it again. I have one very special person to thank for that...and he knows who he is. :) It means so much to me that I can enjoy music like I used to.

why I left myspace

I approve of myspace. I think it's a good idea. I like that it's a way to stay in contact with friends and even family. I can send a note or a picture or a joke to anyone on my friends list and within moments they can receive it. Okay, so email works the same way, but this is different.

However, I'm glad I've moved my blog here. I'm a little annoyed by the ads on myspace. I mean, who cares what Eminem's daughter's name is anyway? Or what celebrity it might be? And I'm not interested in finding a sex partner. And I don't want to add random musicians who are struggling to make ends meet because they are untalented. Also, I'm not interested in finding out if I'm a good kisser, if I flirt well, or if I might win a ringtone or an ipod from kissing Brad Pitt or outknitting Sadam.

In other news, I'm enjoying a lazy Saturday. I'm adding tunes to my new player--the cute little bugger!--and I'm watching an incredible movie--A Time to Kill. Review will follow on my other blog.

homicidal entity

Now that TESL is over, I'm trying to recover and pay off my sleep debt. But my body isn't too pleased with me. I woke up this morning--and yes, it was still technically morning--with one of the world's worst migraines. Well, tension headache is really what it was. But it was at the level of migraine, so...yeah.

I was in bed, trying to fall back asleep since headaches often go away after sleeping. Unfortunately, it wouldn't and I couldn't fall asleep again. I was trying to relax my neck and shoulders, to see if that would help and I could sleep again, but my body simply would not relax. It felt like my muscles were tight elastic and it was taking me more effort to relax than to let them bunch up. Owie...

My body is trying to kill me.

To make a longish story shortish, I took some migraine pills--Excedrin is my friend--and sat up in bed to watch some tv. Yeah, probably not the best thing to do with a headache, but some clean enjoyable Saturday morning cartoons helped hit the spot. :) Also, drinking a glass of cranberry juice helped. I think I may have been partially dehydrated as well... So the headache is gone, but now I feel a little stiff and I'm still tired. I'll probably take a nap this afternoon. :P

Something else I've come to realize from this...I don't want to be single all my life. I know this is a random thing to cast light on that, but it's kind of lonely to have pain and to be alone. :( I know that God is always there, but human companionship isn't overrated. Ah well, maybe one day I'll have a sweet hubby to massage out the kinks. :) Until then, I shall find comfort in Excedrin migraine, cranberry juice, and "That's So Raven."


PS. Della Reese--teh bomb!--is on "That's So Raven" right now...that woman rocks. :)

it's the end of the world as I know it

TESL has come to a close. We had our last class session this afternoon, and it's really kind of sad. I'm going to miss being with these women! Suzan, Katrina, Sarah, my mom...well, so I'll still have contact with my mom and I'll still see the others next year, but it's really not the same.

I'm going to miss the learning process and listening to stories and sharing experiences and jokes and laughter and tears. Oh yes, there were tears. That's what happens when you take an intensive course--and the tears were not only in direct correllation to the amount of homework each night. :P

And then there were the snacks and the drinks. Two-bite brownies--I shall need to stock up on those for certain times of the month--and roasted green tea. I'd never even heard of roasted tea, but this stuff...wow. It's heaven in a cup, and I'm not much of a tea drinker. Oh, and Dr. Leech always sneaking food...or at least dropping by to ask about lunch or dinner...him and Dr. Steinkamp (sp?) both...

Something else that I'm going to miss: the times of reflection and truly learning. I've learned a lot about myself throughout these four weeks. I've learned how to deal with my own issues that stem from a stubborn heart--"I don't want to write that bloody paper...it's a waste of my time!" (and such a false idea...)--to realizing that there's something inside of my that desires to teach, that is eager and excited and anxious to get going.

And to finish it all off, some quotes from class:

• "Yaaaaaaay..." :)
• "He's (she's) someone I'd stalk."
• "See how stalking can be fun?"
• "TESL: it's not for pansies."
• "It's like a verbal weed..."
• "So which journal does this go in...?"
• "Tikki tikki tembo no-sa-rembo chari-bari ruchi pip peri pembo"
• "We beat [insert name] to class! We're not really late!"
• "Keep her from chewing through phone cords."
• "Working hard?" "Hardly working."
• "They're my lunch buddies."
• "Is it warm in here?"
• "Hey June..." :P "Here comes the sun..." (The Beatles rule...)
• "Mr. Morton is the subject and the predicate is what he does..."
• "Hey, cat. You look good."
• "Interjections! Show excitement, or emotion!"
• "Conjunction Junction what's your function...?"
• "So I unpacked my adjectives..."
• "Sarah, you can learn the haka tonight and teach us tomorrow!"
• "Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Ka ora!"

I feel polluted

I just attended my first American bridal shower. And I feel dirty. I'm disgusted by the occurrences that went on, and I'm appalled that this all happened within the boundaries of a Christian university.

I was not expecting anything that revolting. Awkward, yes, but filthy, no. I do not see the purpose of making perverse jokes about honeymoons, male genitalia, etc. I do not see the purpose in slutty lingerie.

Marriage is holy and pure. A wedding is sweet. Why would anyone defile that by doing what they did at this wedding shower? I'm so mortified by what happened. I feel like I need to shower, or pluck my eyes out. Horrible, horrible experience. In fact, I believe this is the worst experience I've ever had in public.

I think I'm going to go cry some more...

TESL is going to kill me, but I'm loving it

Excerpt from Stephen Krashen's book "The Power of Reading" that illustrates the benefits of reading, even "light" reading:

On a November day in 1957 I found myself standing in front of Miss Grosier's first grade class in Hillcrest Elementary School, trying to think of a really good word. She had us playing this game in which each kid had to offer up a word to the class, and for every classmate who couldn't spell your word, you got a point--provided of course that you could spell the word. Whoever got the most points received the coveted gold star.

"Bouillabaisse," I said, finally.

"You don't even know what that is," Miss Grosier scolded.

"It's fish soup."

"You can't spell that."

"Can too."

"Come here. Write it," she demanded.

I wrote it. She looked it up, and admitted that it was, indeed, correct.

Easiest gold star I ever won. And right here, right now, I'd like to thank, albeit somewhat belatedly, whoever wrote the Donald Duck comic book in which I found the word bouillabaisse. Also, I'd like to thank my mother who read me that comic book and so many others when I was four and five....I learned to read from those sessions long before I started school. While most of my classmates were struggling with See Spot Run, I was reading Superman. I knew what indestructible meant, could spell it, and would have cold-bloodedly used it to win another gold star if I hadn't been banned from competition after bouillabaisse.

I love TESL. :)

distracting myself from much more important things

I am currently distracting myself from the mountains of reading I've done and shall continue to do tonight for my TESL classes. I simply can't take anymore. Give me a few minutes' break, and I'll get back to Krashen and then on to Ashton-Warner. *stoic deep breath* I can do this. These classes shall not get the best of me.

That said, I've decided to go over the major projects due post-class wrap up. Each class that I've taken for this certificate has at least one major project due after the week of class is through. I'd like to get a big picture of what all I need to get done for this...and see how much I'll have to stock up on comfort food and coffee...


Intro to TESL:
Student Population Paper (due June 9)
~5-10 pages in length describing target student group


Methods and Materials:
Unit Plan (due June 16)
~lessons made up of presentations and activities (one unit=10 hours class time)


Grammar for ESL
Grammar Project (due June 23)
~handout for teachers (so that anyone can teach the class)
~handout for students (these are two very different items)
~includes 10 activities for grammar topic (I think I'm going with adjectives) and it addresses form, meaning and use
Grammar Text (due June 30)
~ginormous workbook of grammar exercises (luckily we got started on this in class last week)


Teaching Reading for ESL
Reading Log and Essay (due June 30)
~100 pages of pleasure reading per week
~essay that discusses the reading process, new words and concepts, ways ESL students would benefit from pleasure reading, overall impression of experience
Reading Project (due July 7)
~reading and writing project based on a book
~hooray for MORE ACTIVITIES!!! *sarcastic smile*


Teaching Writing for ESL
Journal (due June 26)
~at least three entries per week discussing various themes about writing
Writing Project (due July 7)
~same as reading project (combined effort)


So I have my summer work cut out for me. :P This will be piled on top of working full time. And once this is done, I get to continue to an Old Testament correspondance course that I attempted to start LAST summer. All this to point out: I will be more than ecstatic about having vacation time in Alaska the end of July. :)