holla!

I feel like I'm making headway on my women writers paper that is due sometime today. Hopefully, I will finish it sometime this morning so that I will be able to continue with the rest of my papers. (Oh God, help me!)

While celebrating said progress, I decided to investigate weather conditions in Chad. I am pleased to pronounce that the weather in which I shall soon find myself is in the upper 80s. Woot!

*blank stare*

I am hovering in the realm of "no emotion" because if I happen to dip one big toe into those deep waters, I will find myself overwhelmed by a sudden whirlpool that sprung up out of seemingly nowhere. The past few weeks I've already been cranky, and this week is no exception to that. When I'm stressed--and I'm BIG TIME stressed right now--I get snappish.

Picture me as a turtle in a box with just my mini terrarium environment around me, when all of a sudden someone sticks their fingers into my world that NEEDS TO REMAIN THE SAME FOR SANITY'S SAKE and, of course, the logical result is that I snap at them, maybe even bite off some fingers. Problem is, I'm not a turtle. Nor do I live in a terrarium. So it is VERY unacceptable for me to be biting off peoples' fingers. If I've bitten off your fingers in the past few weeks--including this one--I'm sorry. I'll try not to be so cranky.

My other emotion is wild giddiness. This is not euphoria. Oh no, this is more along the lines of, "If I don't laugh, I'm going to cry." In fact, when I was watching George Lopez clips on youtube the other day with my roommate the other day, I was laughing AND crying. It was amusing. Today, I waxed Josh Groban (almost) in my beautiful rendition of Scuttle--the seagull that attempts to sing in Little Mermaid. Yeah, my cold stole my voice--again--and pathetic seafowl warbling is the best I can do. But it made the roomie laugh, and it alleviated some of the stress I was feeling.

The third emotion, which I sort of mentioned in the last paragraph, is that of stress-to-the-point-of-tears. Seriously, I've been close to crying for the past few days at the drop of a hat. (I refuse to fix that last sentence.) Sitting here right now, listening to Etta James, I feel like crying. Part of that might be stemming from my counseling appointment earlier today--which was good--but I don't have the time to just cry. Plus, I need to employ that energy towards paper writing.

Speaking of which, I need to get my heinie in gear.

hallelujah

A brief note to say that I am so glad I get to be overseas for Christmas vacation...away from all of this that is here. I have a reason to be absent from my American world for two full weeks--three if I push it--with an excuse not to communicate since internet is both slow and expensive--also unreliable--where I'm going to be. Darn.

So if I don't blog from this Friday until January...that's why. In fact, really don't count on it because it's--say it with me now--slow, expensive, and unreliable.

today's problem with technology:

I am listening to the "Rent" soundtrack on my computer, employing headphones so that I will be less distracted by my roommate. It's not really working, but the thought is there regardless. Anyhow, as I'm listening to "Out Tonight," my beautiful roommate decides to film me dancing in my chair, using her cell phone.

Curse those technologicians. They create havoc, I say. Havoc!

pensees (where's the accent key?!)

I picked up When God Writes Your Love Story when I got into bed and was reading, but then this thought came to me and I wanted to record it before I forgot it. So here I am, out of bed, really tired, getting sick (again...geez, what gives?!) and blogging. How do you spell "addict...?" (B-E-T-H-A-N-Y...that's how!)

Most recent chapter has been talking about how parents play a crucial role in a person's love story. They are great teammates that care about you and will pray for/with you during any relationship. Plus, they can give you advice, etc.

Well, I started thinking about my parents and how they've dealt with my relationships. (All paltry two of them. Thank you, Jesus, that it hasn't been more! Too many...) Anyhow, they've been somewhat removed, as in, "We're not going to tell you what to do about this," which I've appreciated. It means that I've learned for myself how things go, but I know that they're always willing to lend advice or listen if I have a problem. Also, I know that if they KNEW something was wrong, they'd tell me. (I might not necessarily listen--hence the end results of previous relationship--but I'd at least hear them out.)

This made me think of my dad. My heavenly Father gets most of the discussion in this blog, but I tend not to speak of my earthly father as much. I don't always realize how well my dad understands me and how much wisdom he employs--I'm thinking God-given--when dealing with me. He doesn't push me too far, but he sort of uses a Socratic method in discussing issues with me. He's calming, and he listens to what I have to say before trying to come up with a solution.

Calm. That's a good trait in my father. He keeps his head when I'm losing mine, and he just wraps me up in a big ole hug when I burst into tears and need someone warm to snuggle up to. He'll kiss my hair and tell me everything will be all right and that we can fix things. That's something else about him--he's very positive.

It's interesting how this thought revealed itself gradually as I was reading. It made me think back to when I was fighting going to college at all. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I wasn't pursuing God, I was upset and grieving that I was gone from Africa and all of my friends, and I didn't want to jump into something so huge that I would get swallowed up posthaste. What did my dad say in response? "Well, not everyone needs to go to college, sweetheart, and I won't think any less of you if you don't go."

Talk about knowing how to take the pressure off! He really does know me. (And here's where I get to do a mini-plug for God because He knows me so much more!!!)

In pretty much all situations of similar kind, my dad will take the pressure off the situation and let me decompress, but his questions and/or statements lead me toward a definite decision/action/goal. My dad knew that college was the best thing for me--and here I be--but he wasn't going to force me into it because there's no use in forcing a person to do something they don't want to do. That just creates stress and tension.

This reminded me of some situations I was going through this semester--probably late September. I was frustrated, hurt, and lonely, and I didn't know what to do anymore. I was complaining to my dad, almost crying in the store as we were talking, and he said, "Y'know, you've had a good run, but maybe that's as long as it's supposed to have been."

Talk about taking the pressure off! Wait, you mean I don't have to continue if it's killing me? I have that option available? Hmm...maybe I'll just press on a little more. Now, in that area, I've still got some doubts, but the fact that all of this came to me while reading that book...perhaps it means something...? Maybe. In the meantime, I think the Nyquil just kicked in, so I'm going to go back to bed.

FYI

Tonight Tyler and I got "the question" again. Y'know, the one accompanied by smiling eyes that asks, "So...when are you going to get married?" Makes me laugh every time. When there's a ring on the finger, then we'll know.

That's only saying IF there's a ring on the finger, I should add. As yet, I don't have all of my eggs in one basket. This is certainly not saying I'm looking around--cuz I'm NOT--but I'm not positive yet. I'm still talking with God about it, and He's got to answer some more of my questions before I answer a question about marriage from anyone.

So, to answer that question from this point on, I will respond with: "Ask God."

hold on for the ride!

This will be something of a lengthy post as I haven't really said much that's been worth anything in the past few days. So here's the big stuff, hopefully in condensed form for the benefit of my readers. (Have I mentioned lately that I love you guys? You make my blogging worthwhile. :) )

1) Last night was our first of two Christmas concerts here at NU. Went well. We received a standing ovation and pretty thunderous applause at the end of the final piece. (Rutter's "Gloria.") Today at 3pm we have our second concert. Problem: my throat is sore, either from oversinging--I tend to get way into concerts and I strain my voice b/c well, I'm not the best singer and I don't always sing properly. *shame*--or from potential sickness.

2) I think I might be getting sick as this morning I kept waking up and trying--mostly unsuccessfully--to fall back asleep. I got up originally at about 8:30am, I think. I tried to go back to sleep and managed to doze some, but I had a horrible headache, my throat was (and is) sore, and I felt alternately torrid and frigid in bed. So...again, maybe I'm getting sick and that was a fever kicking in? My headache is now gone--took meds--and I hope the other sickness thing goes as well--took airborne. Also, my neck has been itching all week. I either have allergies, stress, or both. *mini freak out*

3) In less than a week, I shall be returning to Africa. (insha'allah) My tickets are for 12:40pm next Friday, and my passport came back yesterday in the mail--complete with Chadian visa and immunization card firmly stapled into it. (When did they start stapling the yellow card in the passports?!) Tomorrow, again insha'allah, my parents will be flying out. My mom sent me a text message yesterday morning saying that it looked likely that "this time" they'll be flying out. Makes me happy. :)

4) I still have a lot of papers to complete. In fact, here's what I have left to do before I fly out next Friday: a) finish my missions paper, b) finish my world masterpieces take home exam(s), c) write final world masterpieces paper, d) write lit crit final paper (gulp), e) write women writers final paper (double gulp), f) take missions final, g) go to counseling appointment Tuesday, h) get car over to Port Orchard for the break, i) pick up mail to bring overseas for parental units, j) pack for trip overseas, k) get room organized before break so that I am not fined beaucoup bucks, and l) organize final details on how to get to airport next Friday.

PLEASE: pray for me!

PS. Is anyone else worried that I went through about half the alphabet before I finished my "to do" list? Or is it just me...?

I don't particularly like what this has to say about our society, but it's sadly appropriate.

thought of the day:

I'm not sure how I feel about possibly spending a summer with a very discerning prophet-like person (aka Tyler's father). He's a great guy, but he's an intimidating figure, that's for sure. That thought crossed my mind today during chapel--I was tired and zoning in and out--and it's been at the back of my mind ever since.

Of course, there's no guarantee that I'll end up with all the doors opening to spending the summer in AK working. In fact, I have a lot of plans that are floating in the air right now, and I'm not sure which direction God wants me to go. I don't see how I can do all of them--but I want to do all of them--and I'm very uncertain as to which way to go.

current mood:

Bah. Humbug!

(this resulting from lack of sleep and too much school-related stress)

latest read

I'm in the midst of reading the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I've read several dating/love/purity/marriage type books from a Christian perspective and this is similar to those ones that I've read in the past. (Two keys books from past reading: "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and "And the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity.") Again, this book is like those, but different.

One of the biggest differences is that the level of reading is geared towards a more mature audience. This book doesn't automatically assume that the reader is a morally pure virgin who has never committed a lustful sin--mentally or physically. First of all, I don't think that person exists in our society. It's pretty much impossible to be that pure. (Remember the idea about redeeming purity? I'm still interested in understanding that possibility!)

Another difference is the very personal style of writing--both Eric and Leslie write this book and hand off chapters seamlessly. (Similar to "Captivating" in this way...) Both male and female perspectives are presented and both of these writers admit to having majorly screwed up their romantic lives before giving God the captaincy of their love lives. (Reminds me of what my coworker keeps saying about the "lordship issue"--God needs to be in that priority spot!) The fact is, when we hold the reins of our lives, we screw things up. When we give our Creator control, He guides us perfectly. I'm too much of a control freak...

Something that's been resurfacing as I've been reading this book--and yes, it's been something of a distraction from homework, but I'm to the point of really NOT caring about finishing this semester well...which sucks--is this idea of how when you're single and give God control of your love life, He's going to lead you to the right person at the right time. The thing is, in reading this book, I keep feeling increasingly immature in my approach to my relationship with Tyler. I've been examining my heart and my motives and I don't feel self-sacrificing. I feel selfish.

So the thought keeps occurring to me that I'm not ready to be in a relationship and that maybe it would be better for us to step back, re-evaluate. I want to get myself together BEFORE I'm in a relationship, but at the same time, I know I'll never be fully together in this lifetime. So I'm in a quandary. (typical) I'm pretty sure that Tyler would disagree with the "separation" idea. I'm pretty sure I do as well, but it's still this thought. Maybe I'm scared...?

Okay, so another thing I've noticed is that I'm so scared about screwing up in some way that I overcompensate and really want to dissolve the romantic side of the relationship in some sort of preemptive strike. (Have I mentioned this before? It seems familiar.) I don't want to repeat the past--unlikely, as I only have one sister (heh)--but there's this idea of "must be perfect; failure is unacceptable" that hangs over my head like the sword of Pericles. So then I wonder, "Have I already screwed up?" If so: "where/when/how?" Then: "what do I do now?" Followed by: "How can God have enough grace for me?" Finally: "How can I doubt my God in such a way?"

And my last thought: Have I allowed selfish desires to usurp my God's place in my heart? Did I replace Him with another, lesser lover? ["lover" is purposefully undefined and does not refer solely to human relationship.]

Chinese Coke / WoW commercial

A Chinese commercial for World of Warcraft and Coca-Cola. Ironic that these chicks are fighting against "sexy" and when transformed into warrior chicks end up being pseudo-scantily-clad. Made me laugh! :)

follow up to grad school comment

Today in lit crit the prof asked us how much writing we had left to do for the semester. After we all coughed out numbers of pages from 15 to 50, I jokingly said, "We're preparing for grad school." *yuck yuck* The prof looked at me mostly deadpan and said, "This is why I don't have tons of sympathy for you. I once had a 60 page paper due in grad school for one class." The topic? Bibliography and Annotation. (Or something along those lines. Remind me not to go to grad school! *gulp!*)

One funny/cool/amazing thing from that class today was how after initially looking at our outlines and axeing varying degrees of said assignment, the prof told us to all get up and head outdoors. One of the classmates remarked, "It's like Dead Poets' Society. 'O Captain, My Captain!'" Dang...this is why I like being an English major. We ALL got the reference. :) But yeah, we took this random walk from Fee Hall around the chapel and back up to the classroom. We were like ducklings following the mother duck, and people get giving us such weird looks like, "How unusual for a class to actually be OUTSIDE of the classroom."

We need to get out more.

In the process of the walk, three of us sort of fell behind and were somewhat separated from the primary nucleus of the group. We were talking in awed tones about our prof because we all love her. She's an amazing prof. (There are some GREAT ones here on campus...and they're mostly in the English department! Okay, okay, MOST of the profs on campus are pretty incredible.) We already have this joke that she knows everything so we need a pocket version of her to carry around in case of random questions.

I mentioned that "for a small person" she was walking very quickly. (With purpose, I should add. I should also add that most people are "small people" to me because, even though I'm not a giant, I feel very much taller than most people I know.) One of the girls with me said, "I bet she could walk this fast in stilletto boots, too." The other girl said, "AND she could climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, take a picture, and add it to the collection on her desk!" Wow. We're not quite to the point of erecting a shrine in her honor, but sometimes I begin to wonder about this new cult that's being formed in the department. (Again, if we were to build one for her, we'd have to be building an entire pantheon for the other profs because they are all so stinking amazing! [with a VERY few exceptions])

[subject segue]

Speaking of cults dedicated to women, this whole cult of the Virgin Mary is a little bizarre sometimes. I don't particularly have a problem with people praising her--she was a pretty rad chick (I can't believe I just referred to the mother of GOD as a "pretty rad chick")--and a lot of people regard the apostles with similar sentiments. However, when people keep finding random items that are the picture of the Virgin Mary--or Jesus, or any other holy figure--I wonder. Unless there is an incredible resemblance that actually is saying something worthwhile--instead of oh, say, "I see Mary doing yoga in my Alphabits!"--I think it's pretty shady. I mean, anyone with a little imagination can see pictures displayed in inanimate objects.

For example, as a child, I once watched a thermos on the table turn from thermos to owl to some other bizarre creature. (That happened at night, so the shadows were playing tricks on my mind as well.) Also, once I saw a platypus wearing a bonnet in some tree leaves outside my bedroom window. And there are random faces and creatures in textures of walls and ceilings and maybe even toast all around. I think it's typically imagination at play.

Thoughts?

Morning already...?

I'm propping open my dry, grainy eyes with toothpicks at the moment. So much writing and thinking going on. Okay, more abstract thought processes than writing, but it's getting there. My lit crit prof was right when she said that theory makes sense at three in the morning. That's about how late it was when things finally began to click into place. Well, more like 2:15am...

Ironically, my TESL prof said that everything sounds genius at three in the morning. So I'm probably thinking to myself, "I'm totally getting Bakhtin and the carnivalesque in relation to Merchant of Venice!" And in a few short hours when we workshop our outlines, I'll realize that my genius of the middle of the night was really a lack of sleep and stress overload grasping at potential salvation. (Oh that by the end of the semester, I will have earned academic absolution!)

In the meantime, I'm going to go polish up my outline and hit the hay. Maybe I'll consume a few satsumas along the way. Delish...

PS. Random run-in with said TESL prof this afternoon: she asked how the end of my semester was shaping up, and I told her that I have about 50 pages of papers to write in the next two weeks. Her reply? "You're getting ready for grad school!" Haha...the "most expensive book club you'll ever join." I love that lady! She's teh bestest!!!

thought

I think one of the reasons why God gives people the gift of romantic relationships is that it is in the intimacy of loving someone that we begin to understand the love our Father has for us. There is so much grace and compassion that I don't realize is there until I run into it from a person. Then I realize how much more encompassing is God's grace and compassion and love. Tyler might know me well, but God MADE me...and to feel forgiveness from someone who knows me that well is just a hint of how much more forgiveness there is in Christ.

Thank you, God, for the gift of love!

Reason #263 why I shouldn't become a stripper in order to pay my way through college:

my joints pop when I dance.

Anyone else ever feel like this?