open letters (with optional ninja skillz attached)

Dear Supermodels the world over,

I no longer envy you. In fact, I would never want to be one of you except for the super exotic locations you are able to travel to and the super amazing wacky creations you get to wear, all while looking super cool. (In a supermodel's world, everything is super, right?) The only thing I ended up with from a recent photoshoot was a pounding migraine. Ok, and there was Daniel's Broiler for dinner and the opportunity to be catcalled by passing acquaintances... Still, I leave the modeling up to you. After all, you're super qualified.

Sincerely,
NU's newest poster gal


Dear Potential Employers,

Please give me an answer. I want to put myself to use in YOUR workplace. Will you give me a chance?

Thanks,
Potential Employee


Dear Half-Filled Jar of Peanut Butter,

Whatever possessed you to fly across the kitchen and hit me in the head? Why did you think that I would catch you? I was concentrating on my ninja skills with a pot lid and a dishtowel, and you completely threw off my groove. Although I appreciate your attempt at helping me train, please reconsider your plan of action the next time you decide to launch yourself at me.

Painfully,
the Wincing Ninja


Dear Bag of Frozen Peas and Carrots,

Thank you for helping me out after the PB attacked. If it wasn't for your frozen goodness, the swelling would not have gone down as readily.

Gratefully,
the Relieved Ninja


Dear Person Who Shall Not be Named,

Although I do not quite equate you to Lord Voldemort, I still feel like Harry whenever you might be around. I keenly sense your presence, and you freak me out. One day, we shall meet and one of us shall destroy the other. Or maybe I just have an overactive imagination...

Sincerely,
"Harriet Potter"


Dear Former Bosses of my Sister and Brother-in-Law,

I have held off on addressing you for long enough. I believe my indignation and fury has cooled a bit over the past few weeks, but the facts still remain: you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Although you're both of Canadian descent, I don't think that gives you the excuse of being ignorant of how the free world works. Treating my siblings like Guatemalan refugees in order to have a nanny for your son is not how things work here. Maybe in Canada indentured servanthood still exists, but not here.

Furthermore, I think you may all have been able to patch things up had you not suggested to my sister that she divorce her husband in order to remain as your live-in nanny. Excuse me, but I think marriage is more important to my sister than her job.

Disgruntled,
the Sibling