a matter of weight

I have a hard time with America's concept of weight. Growing up in Africa, big was beautiful. Certainly the slender women were considered attractive as well, but no one looked down noses at women who were not a svelte size four. In fact, I never felt poorly about my weight while living in Africa...except when I was attending an American boarding school. Then, even though I was a healthy weight--even skinny--I felt the judgmental looks from some of my classmates.

Now, in the US, I am assaulted by images of women who are size six or smaller--usually a lot smaller--and I'm back to feeling abnormal again. I know that those sizes are unrealistic for most women--who is a size 0 anyway? Doesn't that mean you don't exist anymore?--but I still feel like I stand out. I know personally women who are not tiny tiny and who I still consider very beautiful women. At the same time, I look at myself--of average American size--and I see myself as very overweight. This is insane.

But this is the opinion that American women have of themselves. What about American men's opinions of women? Do they match up? I've found that they don't...but at the same time, they do. Allow me to explain: most guys I've talked to like girls "with a little extra on them"--they don't like girls who are skeletons because they're afraid that they'll break them...or this makes girls less cuddly, or whatever. But at the same time, you don't often see guys pursuing girls who are above average in size.

What gives?

so excited

I am so excited. These TESL courses that I'm taking are so interesting and make me thrilled to my toes. Yes, it's so much hard work. It's taking a lot more determination than I'd anticipated needing, but it's so wonderful. :)

I feel fully engaged in the material, and my interest is not going to fade once classes are through. This is something that I can really sink my teeth into and claim as my own. It's something that makes me excited to be able to apply. It's something that I can actually use in the real world!

I don't know how I'm going to be able to apply myself in the fall because I won't be taking TESL anymore. That's where more determination comes in...


Now on my summer reading list (it keeps getting longer):
Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire
The Empire Writes Back by Bill Ashcroft, Gareth Griffiths, Helen Tiffin
The Wretched of the Earth by Franz Fanon

YIPPEE

My day has been made. My Zen Micro has been shipped. I eagerly anticipate its arrival.

That's all. :)

Life: my anti-drug

So I'm not exactly under a lot of pressure to try drugs. And I don't think I've ever wanted to try them anyway...but for sure and certain, I am not tempted. I have too many plans and dreams to screw it all up by trying drugs. I like my mental faculties right where they are, thank you very much.

(inspired by what happens to a user)

the puzzle pieces just clicked

So I finally figured out why the vending machines on campus are possessed. Okay, they're really not, but it seems like they are because they animate when you walk by. They light up and start making weird noises--that sort of thing. It's like something out of a horror movie--and it scared the living daylights out of me just now as I hit Perks lounge for some flavored water. Anyhow, they're energy efficient vending machines, so it makes sense that they only animate when someone walks by so that they'll be ready for use if said passerby is a potential customer.

And that's all I had to say about that. Back to paper writing. (Almost done! :) )

Summertime

I'm currently looking out my window, looking at the sunset. It's quite lovely. Nothing extraordinary, but it's that cornflower blue up above with clouds, then lemonade yellow by the horizon, and a few touches of pink on the clouds' underbellies. Even though it's cold out, and kind of chilly in my room, I'm reminded that it's summer.

And if you're the college age or thereabouts, you know what that means: weddings. :P

Last summer, I went to my RA's wedding and one of their "favors" was a cd compilation of the music played at their ceremony. I'm currently listening to it. (I think I'm inwardly sadistic...) On Thursday, I'm going to a bridal shower for a friend who's getting married this summer. I won't be going to that wedding, but if I did...well, I'd enjoy it, I guess. I'd certainly have a reason to stand around for the bouquet toss, that's for sure. ;) *laughs*

I really don't have anything against weddings, but it's a reminder of my singleness. Yes, I am dating, but I still consider myself single. (Single and not available...there's a difference of being "just single.") And yes, I know I have odd views in this area. Most people pick up on that as well...so join the ranks.

This really corresponds with something that pastor has been saying at church, about being content wherever you are, no matter your circumstances. *tries to swallow and chokes* That's a hard one to get down... So here I am, writing a blog about it. I don't think that I am discontent with where I am at. I enjoy my single life. I have a lot of freedom. I have a lot less responsibility. But at the same time, I do look forward to potentially being married. And maybe God already has the perfect guy set aside for me and one day we'll make a life together. (I hope so!!!) But until that day, I'm content to wait and see what happens. I think...

waiting

God is so faithful to us. I am so thankful for that reminder. I forget it too often and try to rely on my own strength to make things happen. But God's the one in control, and His timing is perfect.

I had a sermon on cd from my home church. I've had it probably for about a year now, and I'd never listened to it. The title? "Journey to the Waiting Room." I thought it was about time for me to listen. So I did.

I'm glad I listened to it now, because it really meant something to me. I cried and empathized and hugged my teddy bear and prayed and asked for comfort and illumination. And God is faithful. I feel comforted by the message, and especially by the song sung at the end. Here are the lyrics:

I waited for the Lord on high
I waited, and He heard my cry
(repeat)

There's a new song in my heart to sing
A new song, praises to my King
(repeat)

Also, the passage of Scripture, Psalm 40:1-3, spoke to me, even though I've heard it many times before. Here it is as well:

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
NIV

these days

It's days like today when I wish that I had a mentor. I should get to know the older women in the church better so that I can learn from them. There is so much that I wish I could to someone about, and I don't feel like I have the right person in my life to do so. Thankfully, God is always there, and He's always willing to listen to my worries. And He points me in the right direction, even if when I follow, I bumble and stumble along the way.

I must always remember that God is in control. He sees the big picture, even when I see just a tiny corner. And He's the master artist. He's like Bob Ross. What we think is a huge mistake, He turns into an amazing work of art. I just can't see what He has up His sleeve.

rain

It's pretty phenomenal that this much rain can come from one sky. It's been raining almost the entire week, with a few breaks here and there. I'm not complaining, because it's nice to have a bit of a reprieve before summer actually hits and we die from heatstroke--he he--but it's just kind of crazy is all.

It does make me laugh that the university hasn't turned off their sprinkler system all week. On the other hand, it makes me kind of annoyed that they haven't. Such a waste of water. I don't care if the sprinklers are on timers...stop them when the weather is this wet!

wedding bells and ridiculously overpriced dresses

In case the title of this blog threw anyone, no, I am not getting married any time soon. However, I have a friend who is getting married this summer and her bridal shower is on Thursday. I have never been to a bridal shower, so I had no idea what to get to bring. I've heard it's typical to buy skanky lingerie for the honeymoon, but there was NO WAY that I would ever do that for someone. *shudder* I hope I manage to have the same courtesy paid me should I ever get married. *makes sign against the evil eye*

Fortunately, my roommate from this last year was in town--and she is also going to the shower--so the two of us decided to hit up the mall in search of something for our friend. We ended up going in together on something nice and not sleazy, so we're both happy with the choice we made. Awkwardness was avoided. *whew*

Anyhow, since we were at the mall, I decided to put my roommate through the ordeal of traipsing from store to store in search of dresses. I've been looking for something between "Sunday wear" and "formal wear," so I was hoping to find something while at the mall. We hit up the major department stores and some of the fashion boutiques in between. I have to say, there is absolutely NO reason in the world why a dress should cost over $300. Even a wedding dress shouldn't cost that bloody much. And really, when some of the "fashion" items being sold aren't good quality, I have to ask myself what kind of mindless drone purchases such things. In the end, I bought I dress that was super marked down--the only way I could ever afford something at the mall--and now I'll have to find some occasion to wear it.

:)

The weather is delightfully, deliciously, wonderfully depressing right now. I love it. :) It's super overcast and rainy. It should still be light out but the sky is a lovely grey. This is the kind of weather that makes we want to curl up in blankets, sip hot chocolate, and read ghost stories. :P

just around the corner

Temptation is always just around the corner. I think it's gone, and then it sneaks up on me. What I need to do is be more aware of my spiritual surroundings so that I'm not caught off guard. Chalk that one up to experience...let's see if I remember it next time around.

So this morning, in my half asleep/awake phase, one of those old temptations came back. I wanted to give in, but I was fighting it. But my will to fight kept lessening. I was about to give in when I stopped and started thinking about it. I thought to myself that even though my flesh was wanting me to masturbate--I hate that word; it's so dirty--that the spirit within me was telling me not to.

Somehow, my conscience--thank you, Holy Spirit!--won out, and I didn't succumb to temptation. I started thinking about the proper place and time for sex--within marriage, with one's spouse--and I realized that I desperately don't want to cheapen sex by masturbating. It's such a selfish act. I want to share that experience with the right guy--the husband that God may have planned for me. And it's more than worthwhile to wait for that day.

*snicker*

This is a Chinese cat.Think about it.

prayer

We live in a broken and hurting world. Mend and heal us, Lord.

America vs. The Rest of the World

Being a missionary kid, I have had the opportunity to see the world. In such a position, I feel that I have been able to pick up on things that most people haven't been able to. I can understand perspectives of people from different cultures, and I have a worldview. Note: I did not say I had a broad worldview--that's unnecessary to say when most Americans don't have a view beyond their hometown, let alone their country... So my point here is that I have a worldview.

Anyhow, so I was talking with one of my fellow RAs--who is half American, half Cameroonian--and we were discussing the various communities that we have experienced during our lives. (I also grew up overseas in Africa.) For her, she never felt that she belonged. When in America, she was seen as the "other" from Africa, but when she lived in Cameroon she experienced the same reaction and was seen as the American. Frustrating that she can't just be accepted as who she is.

Another thing that we discussed was that in international settings, you can learn so much more from other people because of their perspectives, morals, and cultures. What's funny to me about that is that in other cultures people are really more individual than in America. The ironic thing about that is how overseas, a person is seen in the context of their community. They are a part of the whole--community is valued much more. However, in the US, people are encouraged to think of themselves as individuals and community is disregarded. Ironically, the mindset is much more of a herd mindset. Who would have thunk...

Do you have a fag?

I have to admit, I love TESL classes. Yes, they mean a lot of work. Yes, it is a lot to absorb in just four weeks. But they have been so much fun. Dr. K is a great professor. This lady knows her stuff, and she makes classes interesting and easy to understand. (Why can't all teachers be like this?)

Anyhow, this week's focus has been on grammar--and it's over! But one of our long-term projects that's due the end of June--after summer semester is over--has to do with teaching grammar in the classroom. We're supposed to come up with various activities to help teach one aspect of grammar--verb tense, prepositions, adjectives, etc. Well, she mentioned several different books and websites that we could look at to get ideas for this project.

During this time, she mentioned one of the books that is obviously geared towards British rather than American English. The book contains an example of "Chutes and Ladders" which is a game that pretty much everyone knows. Well, one of the spaces includes the question: "Do you have a fag?" To American ears, it's either hilarious or discriminating, but it's really referring to a cigarette. I just had to laugh. The confusion that poor students must have if they end up with teachers from both the UK and the US. Oi. Makes my head hurt!

What's funny about that activity book is that it reminded me of a theme that's been going through our classes. Dr. K once misspelled something on the board, and she attributed that to "British" English, instead of owning up to her mistake. And apparently, she's done that to her ESL/EFL students before! :) So funny! So now, whenever we make a mistake in class, we just say, "Oh, that's British English," or, "those stupid Brits always messing us up!" Maybe you just have to be there...


PS. I bought a Zen Micro Photo with 8 gigs the other day and it should be coming with a week or so--hey, with free shipping, I can afford to wait! :)

*happy daze*

He loves me. :)

I know he does--it's not like he hides it--but it's so different to hear him say it out loud. There's that moment of shock--not a bad shock--where time just seems to stand still, and I can't breathe. And then after saying it back and saying goodbye...and now I'm in this dreamy haze. I have this silly smile on my face, and I feel like I could just curl up and daydream about this one moment for the rest of my life. Maybe this is a girlish romantic idea, but that's how I feel right now.

I love him so much that sometimes I think my heart will burst. At the same time, I don't think that I'm just swept away by emotion. I'm not going to say that it's entirely logical and thought-based either, but it's not really between the two. I guess it's all of both. It's a wonderful thing.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I always nodded and went along with the theory, but I'm experiencing it now. I miss him so much, and it's been so strange not being around him. Email and IMing don't really make up for it. Phone calls, even though they are more rare, are wonderful to have. And that's the instigator for this blog. The thing is, even though we're far apart, I feel like we've grown closer on some level. Odd how life works sometimes. Odd, but good.

deliberations

I've come to a decision concerning the whole mp3 player issue. The results are in, and I've come to the conclusion that Creative's Zen Micro is the best deal for my purposes. I'm going to get the 8 gig because--as I mentioned earlier--a little extra memory couldn't hurt. Now my only debate is on whether I should get it in green or orange. Heh...figures that the decision would be stopped by a matter of aesthetics. I might just get it in grey or black so that I don't have to deal with those kinds of choices. And when it comes down to it, I'm not getting it for its looks, but for what it can do.

Anyhow, I sense within me a strange sort of distancing from ipod users as a result of this decision. I'm mentally looking down on them and sneering at their mindless herd mentality. Lucky me, I have tech advice built in... :)

TESL classes are not for pansies

That's my personal slogan for summer semester. Not just anyone can take it. And so, in my proud little mind, I view these as serious accomplishments. Either I will succeed and go far with this new knowledge, or I shall fail miserably and die. End results are yet to be determined. :)

Today, we actually wrote a whole bunch of poems in class. But these are grammar poems--and grammar is our focus this week. Each poem has regulations that are to be followed, but help to exemplify certain aspects of grammar. This way, we can use poetry writing in class for a creative way to teach grammar.

And since this is MY blog, and I get to say whatever I want in it, I'm including the poems here. So ha! I'm sticking it to whoever at this point. I need to get that chip off my shoulder...


Rule Poem:
line 1: color
line 2: number
line 3: foreign word
line 4: comparison
line 5: animal

Silver and gold stars
Poured from five pitchers.
La nuit.
Brighter than Psyche's eyes
And more delicate than a butterfly.

Preposition Poem:
every line starts with a preposition

In the clear, hot skies, the thunderclouds loom.
Over the parched prairie, they taunt the drought.
Along the planted furrows, dust blows
Across the settlers' feet. Will it rain?

Repetition Poem:
pick a line or phrase to repeat

Still as statues,
We stand in the cold.
Our breath is smoky clouds,
Our noses and fingers are frozen stiff
And still as statues.
You don't have to say anything.
My eyes are echoing back the unsaid.
Although we are unmoving,
There is a smile hanging between us.
Then the snow comes,
Whirling softly, dusting hair
And eyelashes,
Unblinking and still as statues.
Then you grin
And I laugh.
We run back to the house,
Giggling and falling through the drifts
That, were it not for our mischief,
Would be still as statues.

Negation Poem:
begin with a positive phrase; consequent lines negate

My "lucky" bamboo...
It's not lucky because I keep knocking it over
It's not in the forest because it's on my desk
It's not straight since it's twisted
It's not growing because, well, I don't know why
It's nothing special, but it's mine.


Lovely, blue Lake Washington
It's not crystal clear
It's not clean
It's not warm and inviting
It's not void of plants and animals
It's not much of anything unless you're a bottom-feeding fish.

Sense Poem:
stative verbs (feel/touch, taste, see, hear, smell)

The Beachhouse
In the morning, I swing my feet over the bed.
Under my feet, I feel the alternately cool and warm floorboards
As I walk through patches of window-light.
Outside, I see the waves coming in and out.
I hear the seagulls crying to the ocean,
Mourning the passing of time.
I can smell fresh brewed coffee in the kitchen.
Then, with warm mug in hand,
I stand on the deck, tasting java and sunshine.

The Hammock
I'm swinging back and forth
I feel a breeze blowing over my face.
I see the tree branches overhead,
Rushing by, then a brief pause,
Then more rushing in the midst of the swing.
I can smell charcoal grills
And remnants of powder from fireworks.
I hear laughing and the chatter of birds.
I taste watermelon on my lips.
It's the 4th of July.

Wow, that was a lot of poetry for one day. And there will probably be additions to this in the afternoon. Oy vey...

But now I have grammar exercises and lunch to do. So I'm heading off.

mmm

Call me psycho, but there is something so delicious about the screams on the original cast recording of Phantom of the Opera. If you haven't heard the Sarah Brightman version and are only enraptured by Emmy Rossum, you really have missed out. But this is not to start a comparison between the two. (There really isn't one.)

Anyhow, delicious scream. Honestly, I've always wanted to be able to scream like that. I'm sure there's a specific technique to do it without destroying your vocal chords. After all, these chorus girls have to keep singing and dancing for the entirety of the show!

And speaking of Broadway/West End productions...I want to be back on the stage. I have such a hate/love relationship with theatre. I love it. I love the way it makes me feel, I love the way it makes others feel. It's a wonderful thing. It's life, but not exactly how we experience it. It's exciting. It's an exploration. And it's been one of the single biggest stressors in my life.

*big sigh*

I want to be back on the stage, but there's something about it that's just wrong for me. It's not my fit. Sometimes I wish it were, but I know that there's something greater for me than the theatre. God has good plans in store, and I can hardly wait to see what they are!

mp3 player

I discovered today that I am a comparison shopper. (But I'm also an impulsive shopper...and that's not a good thing.)

The reason I bring this up is because I am currently trying to decide what kind of mp3 player to purchase. After all, if I'm going to be on a freakishly long trip in July--by myself--I ought to have something to accompany me. :) I have a cd player, but it's kind of bulky for traveling. Plus, if I bring my computer along...oi...then I don't want to be bearing too much stuff. And ...well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

So I'm looking at Creative's Zen Micro...and not finding anything extraordinarily wrong with it. I'm debating between a 6 and 8GB memory. I read in one of the reviews that 6GB were discontinued...so I should probably just spring the extra money and buy an 8GB. Plus, a little extra memory couldn't kill me!

I'd debated on buying a Zen Sleek which comes with up to 20GB of memory, but really, I have NOWHERE near that much music. I'd like to think that I do, just to be able to say that I did...but really, who likes people who are presumptuous anyhow? So my guyo pretty much laughed when I mentioned I was thinking of getting one that size. Made me annoyed, but not too badly at all. Let's face it, he has every right to laugh at my pitiful music collection! ;) (He has over 12,000 songs in his collection...the geek. :P) But I love him. :)

the chaos is over...

So, the ticket thing is FINALLY figured out. But I'm none too pleased with the results. Oh well, I can deal with it. It's certainly not the end of the world, and I really have nothing to complain about. I am going to Alaska, after all. And I get to see my guyo! :D So really, this is nothing. :)

Weather is pretty blah outside. Been overcast all day--we had one sunbreak--and it's been raining and windy. Pretty cool...it's nice. :) My room in the dorms has a wall of windows, basically, so when we had that hot spell, it was pretty toasty in here!

By the way, I am so envious of Vanna White. *laughs* I know, pretty pathetic of me, eh? But look at her! And look at her wardrobe! Ah well, I should be content with who I am and what I get to wear. But I still like her clothes...


She has her own star, for crying out loud! (How DOES she do that?!)

craziness

I'm currently trying to get a round trip ticket up to Alaska to visit my boyfriend in the end of July. It's been a pain in the neck dealing with the mileage plan and Alaska's confusing website, and their representative agrees that it's confusing. Now my dad thinks he's found a better deal. So we're changing the nonrefundable ticket to get said "better deal." This "better deal"--and I say this somewhat bitterly--involves me catching a 6:40am--yes, A.M.--flight that will deposit me at my location around noon. Now tell me this, how does a two hour flight turned six or seven hours equal a "better deal"? Honestly, I'm none too pleased with the results.

However, my parents are my parents, they've been around the block a few times, and I can begrudgingly say that they know what they're doing in this. Doesn't make me any more pleased to be taking an early morning flight. :P Ah well, I guess I get to deal with it. Maybe some other day I'll get to make my own decisions and deal with those consequences. In the meantime, I should be grateful for the safety net my parents have ready for me.

Anyhow, I now get to countdown till when I go up to AK. 62 days, baby! Woot woot!

blurgh

I am on a fast from myspace.

That is my initial reason as to why I have started blogging here. However, I am not fond of continuous blogging on myspace. For the first part, my thoughts really aren't all that private. I could set the blogs to "private" or "friends only," but I actually want people to read my blogs. I guess there is some egotistical idea somewhere in my psyche that says people want to read about my life, all the way down to the most miniscule details.

However, I have had comments about my blog on myspace along the lines of, "You use it like a journal/diary/emotional vomit spot." So...even though I know that the people who have mentioned that did not do so in spite or from any other negative motive, I managed to pick up on some sense of annoyance. Anyhow, so I think that I shall employ this site to deal with daily details that no one I know in person seems to care about. ;)

My final reason for switching over to this site is that I will now be able to stop using code language when I want to discuss the details of my life. Without a whole bunch of people who know me personally reading my blog, I have much more freedom. So ha!

In sum, I have moved my personal blogs here and my "big thought" blogs that people seem to actually care about--if they care at all--will be posted on both sites. This shall hopefully cut down on complaints about my blog. And if not, then I say screw it all...and I won't budge again. :P