hag: [see Bethany]

If you look up the word "hag" in the Oxford English Dictionary, you shall see a picture of my face. I am truly a witch. I have no excuse for being the way that I've been the past few days. I've been downright evil to the wonderful guy that I'm dating...and for absolutely no reason.

Okay, so there was a perverse side to my nature that was curious to see if he could actually get mad at me...but I didn't think I'd ever succeed at doing that. Well, moral of the story, don't antagonize people--ever--especially if they are people that you want to stick around.

I have a feeling that I've pushed too far. Maybe that's what I wanted all along...? *sad thought* Maybe I just wasn't ready for a dating relationship...and maybe I'm not good enough of a person to make a relationship work. Maybe I'm really the evil force behind the broken relationships in my past. Maybe I'm the reason that nothing works...

NO.

I can't believe this...in one day, I go from giving everything over to God so that He can fix me, to taking it all back and dealing with things in my own strength. I think we can all see that I really screwed that up. *hangs head* Back to square one, I guess...

Why is it so hard? And why does it hurt so much? And why am I unnecessarily lashing out at those that I love? Why?

Maybe I've been this way because some part of my mind thinks that if I make the first offensive, I am less likely to be harmed. This is ludicrous. Why am I being such a jerk about this? Why? I don't want to be so horribly wicked...