victim

In a conversation I had with a friend last night, he firmly and in a not so gentle way, rebuked me from my current mood. I was tired and emotional and started complaining about how I didn't see my future going the way I thought it should be going. The details of the conversation don't matter except to say that I really wanted to fight him on the matter and chose not to for the sake of peace.

I'm glad that I chose to bite my tongue instead because when I clambered up to bed and began crying my eyes out, I thought over what he'd said and tried to rationalize the rebuke away, painting him to be the bad guy. No dice. He was right: I was not.

In the morning, I thought it over more, when the emotions had died down and I could think about it more logically, without emotions getting in the way. I discovered that I have the tendency to see myself the victim. I allow myself to wallow in despair instead of choosing the better attitude.

It's not merely coincidental that this change in attitude corresponds neatly with me releasing my relationship with God to go where it may. It mostly fell apart, or fell away from me, and I didn't try hard to get it back. The circumstances surrounding that release aren't consequential, at least not in comparison to the fact that I let go of God and didn't seem to care.

By the time I woke up to this reality, my heart had hardened and my selfish, obstinate nature took over. I have been wrestling with God over Christmas break. I think I cracked my Bible once--maybe twice--and most of the time, I've been angrily demanding answers from God about my various problems.

At this point, I feel very unprepared to go back to school in less than a week to be an RA again. So right now, God, I'm putting down my defenses. I'm opening up my shriveled, hardened heart as much as I can on my own strength. Batter it, Lord. Do what it takes to knock down the walls that keep me from You. Without You, there is no reason to draw breath, and all I really want to breathe is You.

Am I a victim? Only if I refuse to let God rescue me.

random French poem by Marie Nervat

Je voudrais aller me promener dans les bois ;
j'aurais un grand chapeau, une robe légère,
je me griserais d'air et de bonne lumière,
et tu me rapprendrais à marcher à ton bras.

Je voudrais aller dans un grand bois, un vieux bois,
où l'on dit que les fées se promènent encore ;
peut-être en attendant du soir jusqu'à l'aurore,
qu'une d'elles nous laisserait ouïr sa voix.

Moi je n'ai pas vu d'arbres depuis si longtemps,
ni de fleurs dans les jardins ! Celles que tu portes,
et que tu poses sur mon lit, à moitié mortes,
achèvent de mourir dans les appartements.

Ce ne sont pas de vraies fleurs libres sous le ciel ;
elles ont des robes rouges trop tuyautées,
puis, sur les draps, on dirait des taches figées,
taches de sang qui font plus pâles mes mains frêles.

J'aime mes mains à présent, elles sont si blanches !
je vois les petites veines bleues sous la peau,
je n'ai gardé à ma main gauche que l'anneau,
l'anneau d'or que tu m'as donné avec ton âme.

Mes pauvres mains ont l'air si lasses sur les draps !
Ah ! je voudrais sortir, marcher, je me sens forte,
je voudrais fuir bien loin, et refermer la porte
sur cette chambre monotone de malade.


[TRANSLATION]

I would like to go walking in the woods;
I will have a large hat, a light dress,
I will be drunk on air and light,
and you will recall walking with me on your arm.

I would like to go to a large wood, an old wood,
where they say fairies still walk;
maybe while waiting for night until dawn,
one of them will let us hear her voice.

I haven't seen trees in such a long time,
nor flowers in gardens! Those that you carry,
and that you place on my bed, halfway dead,
realize death in the apartment.

These are not true, free flowers under the sky;
they are in red dresses that are too tightly fitted,
besides, on the sheets, they are frozen stains,
stains of blood that make my frail hands paler.

I like my hands now, they are so white!
I see the little blue veins under my skin,
I only kept the wedding band on my left hand,
the gold wedding band you gave me with your soul.

My poor hands look so weary on the sheets!
Ah! I would like to go out, to walk, I feel strong,
I would like to escape far away, and to reclose the door
on this bedroom that is monotonous with sickness.

oh but it is!

India

In May, I'll be going to India for a two week long mission trip. In Bombay, we'll be working with the local teen challenge and in that we will most likely be working with victims of human trafficking and/or street kids/drug addicts.

Ever since my school started to have an offering focus geared to helping stop human trafficking, my heart has been gradually breaking for those affected by it. Now that I've been presented with the opportunity to actually go there and do something about it firsthand, I can hardly believe it.

In the meantime, I have $1900 to raise. The first payment is due February 4 at $800. I currently have $150 deposited toward that cost. Only $1750 left to raise! :) (I have to look at the bright side here...) So very soon I shall be writing letters to friends and family, asking for funds.

I have a very strong feeling that God is going to blow my mind with the response in some way. I know that He will provide because I know that I'm supposed to go on this trip. At least I have a very hard time with the idea that I may not be going in the right direction with this.

Anyhow...I have a fundraising thermometer in the sidebar now so you can all follow along with my progress. I hope to see the money miraculously come in. I'll work more to enable that and pray for the remaining amount!

black magic

I would post this on my myspace blog as well, but I'm pretty sure my profs would nail me to the wall for blogging when I'm not done with my 12 page paper yet. (That would be the 12 pager that's due in, oh, seven and a half hours...)

However: I would like to make a plug for coffee at this point. I was very tired when I sat down in my uber comfy recliner to write this paper. But that was six cups of coffee ago, and right now, I feel very alert, practically bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. :)

I am optimistic about finishing this paper as figuring out my outline isn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I have a feeling God is giving me supernatural grace at this moment and I am going to be pretty much wiped out at the paper's completion.

In the meantime, for your enjoyment, the following index cards:



By the way, I texted Saturday while driving...on the freeway...while it was snowing. Do you think I might be something of a reckless driver? :S



Good old Donner party jokes. They never get old.