yippy skippy

So I'm teaching my first activity in TESL practicum tomorrow. (Yipes!) I'm excited to get to do it, but I'm a little scared too. What if I talk too fast or too quietly? What if I don't simplify the concepts enough? I'm glad that Dr. K will be there to correct me if I'm about to run off a cliff and take out five ESL students with me.

The activity that I'm doing involves introducing new vocabulary concerning fields of study--sociology, botany, philosophy. I need to introduce the vocab, have an in-class activity, then give homework too. (Gee whilikers, I feel like a REAL teacher!) So I decided that for the in-class activity, to match up pictures that relate to the field. I was going to have a matching activity between the word and its definition, but using pictures instead of definitions is probably a better way to grasp the concept. I mean, come on. How many native English speakers can define sociology accurately?

For the homework, I'm going to use a sort of fill-in-the-blank activity using phrases that say a person's interest, followed by a sentence that says "So-and-so should study________". Okay, it's still a work in progress. It doesn't sound all that exciting to non-TESL people, but let me tell you, when you're learning a language, it's easier to learn when it's FUN. So... :P

Oh, and while I was looking up pictures to use for the matching exercise, I stumbled on the following pic under "anthropology":

writing

I officially have too many blogs. I currently maintain four. *quickly calculates* Yes, four. *calculates again* Good grief, four? Four?! Why do I need all of them?! At least I closed my opendiary.com account about a year ago. That would suck...

Several of my blogs have repeat blogs in them--the informational blogs that keep people updated on the basic stuff of my life. Myspace and this blog tend to have the duplicates. Obviously, I'm very open on this blog. I don't think I hold anything back really, when I use it. Occasionally, I blog on facebook, but only every now and then, and nothing super duper interesting or important.

My most recent excursion--like this year--has been back to xanga. (Had an account, closed it, reopened this one.) I originally reopened the xanga account so that I could comment on my friends' blogs on xanga. So now I have a fourth blog site...and I'm addicted and blog everywhere.

If I remembered to carry a notebook with me like Joan Didion suggests, I would be writing things all the time. I do that in class as is. I start describing the classroom, the way the light hits the trees outside. I draw analogies between sheep and donuts...okay, I don't really. But the point is, I'm addicted to writing. Most of the notes and pieces I produce aren't of much value now, but they are practice. Maybe one day I'll actually pull all of these random things together into a book or something.

laughing...and it's weird :)

I'm just going to cut to the chase. Tyler and I broke up tonight. It's really weird, but it's good. I think it's weird BECAUSE it's good. I just can't stop laughing about it because I know it's the right thing and it was so easy to have that talk.

It's funny because both Tyler and I knew that this was coming--but only in our heads--and I have a feeling it's going to be such a surprise to everyone. But...it doesn't matter what other people think about it because both Tyler and I feel great about it. WHICH IS SO WEIRD!

And yet, it's the best thing.

We talked about it, both cried a little, but not because we're not dating anymore. We both helped each other through A LOT this last year. Oh my goodness. I wouldn't have been able to handle last year if it hadn't been for Tyler and his family being there. In fact, it's very likely that I wouldn't be here at all if it hadn't been for them.

So...Tyler and I have grown together. But now it's time for us to grow apart. We're still going to be friends, but the dynamics are going to change a little. ;) We need this space to grow up, and who knows what the future holds? It's open! And God knows what's going to happen. I hope all the best for Tyler--and I know that God's going to give it to him. He's got the best planned for me, too, so that's something to look forward to as well. :)

The only thing that's going to be awkward about all of this is that people are going to be asking questions, and it's going to be a pain in the butt to keep answering them. Oh well, it could be worse!

And now...now that I feel like I can breathe again, onward to homework! ;)

flawed, but still okay

I think I need to come to grips with the fact that I am not perfect. Now folks, I know that I'm not. I know this full well, but I still have this inner voice that says, "You're not good enough because you're not perfect." Well, HELLO!! I'm human, you expected me to be God? Noooo...I am not. I am me. And me is imperfect and flawed, and I actually like that I'm not perfect. It makes the learning process quite a bit more interesting. Let's face it--if we were somehow perfect, life would be so darn boring. This isn't to say that I seek out conflicts and challenges, but without them, living would be duller than...something that's dull.

I was talking about this with Tyler yesterday. It was quite the illuminating conversation--as our conversations tend to be, at least I feel enlightened afterwards. (Gee, I have my own personal guru! ;) Too bad I can't usually return the favor. But those who seek not the wisdom of the psycho African elf girl miss out on...tree hugging and bubble blowing. And THAT is a sad fate indeed.)

This inner voice that somewhat demands perfection of me sounds a lot like my dad. Even when I still had a 4.0 in college, it seemingly wasn't good enough for him. (?) I don't even know how that is possible, but there it is. Personally, I've gotten so used to my dad's perfectionist mentality that it seems normal. Let me clarify that my dad is a good man--he is a very good man. He loves his family, he loves God, he loves people. He just misaligns his priorities sometimes. Also, he's much better than he was when I was younger. He's learned A LOT about being a dad now that Gwen and I are out of high school. I think it just took a few wake-up calls.

But whoever is to blame for this--me, my dad, the devil, whoever!--I have this mentality that if I don't have everything all together and that I'm not absolutely perfect that I'm failing. I guess in some ways, non-perfection is a form of failure, but we're all imperfect, so I shouldn't be so egotistical to think that I'm the only person who does this...

I feel like this is a repeat blog from before. (Probably...) I hope that one of these days, writing all this out will somehow make it stick. And at THAT point, I'll move on to the next flaw. Hey, I got 'em, might as well figure 'em out!

the mirror crack'd

I had one of the coolest experiences of the semester tonight. I was helping a friend film a commercial for the upcoming women's conference here at NU, and I got to smash a mirror. It was so amazing. :) The mirror was one of those sheet ones that's about four feet tall and three feet wide. I got to throw a ceramic mug at it and it totally shattered both the mirror and the mug! It was so rad! There was massive mirror pwnage.

And, in some ways, it was a tangible way to get rid of the physical--if that makes any sense. Each girl being filmed is representing a word that keeps them in bondage--fear, abuse, oppression, betrayal. The word that I was representing was depression--fitting--so there we took various shots of me looking into this mirror as well as around the room, at least attempting to portray depression. (For some reason, it was flipping hard to do so!)

Well, the last shot we did was of me sitting on a sofa, looking into this huge mirror, holding a mug in my hand. And then I looked at the mirror, contemplating, then launched the mug. The mirror completely shattered. It was awesome. :) So I broke the mirror of depression and...it's been freeing. I think I'll keep reminding myself of this like I have to keep reminding myself of the list I wrote over break.

so scared and confused

I feel like an old jigsaw puzzle with pieces missing, and those pieces that aren't lost are warped or have been chewed on by the family dog. I don't feel together at all. In fact, I feel incredibly displaced, disconnected, and rather disturbed.

This morning I woke up with a strange frustration. It wasn't anything huge, and it wasn't something small that I was making a big deal out of either. It's just a small thing, but I didn't want to think about it, so I decided to do the best thing I could think of to keep me from dwelling on it--exercise.

Folks, I don't exercise ever. So when I not only went out for a walk, but ended up running instead, something had to have been up. But again, it didn't seem like a huge thing at all, and it still wasn't something that I was making into a big deal, so I don't know why I exercised for about two hours this morning.

After exercising, I went to Safeway with Eli. While in the Hispanic aisle, I had this sudden, very clear thought. That thought being, "I don't want to get married when I graduate." It came out of nowhere, it went back from whence it came, but it's still somehow hovering. The thing that bugs me the most about this thought was that it didn't stem from some huge emotion--I was pretty flat at the store. Maybe my blood sugar was just low after all the exercising. But it was weird and I don't know what to make of it. Maybe it's just my selfish nature coming out...?

Along these same lines is the recurring thought that I don't want to be an RA next year. This too is coming from a nonemotional place and I don't know what to make of it. For all that I've gone through in the process, I really don't know why I'd suddenly change my mind so entirely about the situation. At the same time, I'm almost tearing up about NOT doing it, so maybe that's just some mental trick too. My head is so messed up!!! I just wish I knew top from bottom right now. Oh, and later in the day, the "I don't want to get married" bit passed as well. So now I REALLY don't know what's going on in my head.

Anyhow, I think the moodiness passed (ha ha).

This evening, I went up to the second Overflow benefit concert--both last night's and tonight's were amazing!--and helped out with ticket sales. It was great. God was definitely there, but I vascillated between feeling Him and being reminded of Him to feeling very disconnected to worship. But by the end of the evening, I was back up on top of things. Didn't hang around long up there because I had (and still have) homework to get done, so I headed back to the dorms. It was like as soon as I was in the hall, I felt back down in the pits again.

I don't understand what's wrong with me. If there were drugs that worked to get rid of whatever this is that's messing with me, I would take them without hesitation. There's a part of me that wants to cut again because even though I know it doesn't solve anything, it would be some kind of bizarre reprieve to all of this. I feel so unprepared for life right now. I don't think I can manage anything. I don't think I can do this whole RA thing, I don't think I can handle the relationship that I'm in, I don't think I can succeed up in AK in summer work, I don't think I'll be able to finish out college well. I feel like I'm overcommitted on too many fronts, and yet I feel like I'm not doing anything.

I've felt like this last year has been a season of God preparing me for...something. I don't know what! And now that it seems like I'm approaching that "something," I feel so unprepared.

And I miss my parents. I really wish that I could talk with them about all of this, just sit down and have a heart to heart, but I can't do that because they're in Africa. And when I was in Africa over break, nothing was talked about because there was never the time or the opportunity. And I hate that this all sounds like one big complaint. I don't like that I'm still messed up. I don't like that I'm still broken. I don't like that I'm starting to take steps backwards.

a world of happiness

For work, I'm trying to figure out a new display for our window, and one of my ideas involves finding a map. (How I wish I personally owned a large wall map. Wait a second...I do. Now where is it?) But hey, I'm digressing, and I just started...

I encountered on google image search the following map: world of happiness.

I wonder what criteria they used to say that the US is very happy, Brazil is averagely happy, and Chad is unhappy. For some reason, Russia is unhappy, but China is only low average happy. Some countries--like Greenland, North Korea, and Somalia don't even get a shade that evaluates their happiness. I would also like to point out that many people in America are very UNhappy, whereas many people in impoverished nations are incredibly happy.

So happiness, being a strange and elusive concept, continues to be...strange and elusive. I don't understand the purpose of making a map like this. (Some cartographers have too much time on their hands.) I'm sure if I could find the original site that this picture was taken from, it would make a lot more sense. Or, if I could interview those scholars who originally created it, I could understand its purpose and intent. In the meantime, I opt for confusion and homework.

early morning

On a day set aside to celebrate love, I decided to start it off the best way that I could think of to celebrate it. I woke up early, headed down to the waterfront, and spent some quality time with the lover of my soul. (Cheesy? I think not!) It was quiet, it was peaceful, and it was God and me.

It's been awhile since He and I spent some focused time together--my fault, and I accept that completely--so it felt a little stilted at first. I didn't know where to read in my Bible. I was in Genesis, but I wasn't really feeling it, so I went to the Psalms and...well, still didn't know where to start, so I just started with the first psalm.

I read and journaled a little. The most fitting find:

"Because of your unfailing love, I can enter your house; I will worship at your Temple with deepest awe." Psalm 5:7 (NLT)

Lately, I've been struggling with feelings of incapability/insecurity--they play off each other--and one of the reasons why I had been staying away from God was that I was feeling unworthy to come to Him. When I read this, there was the subtle reminder that I can't--in and of myself--approach God. Only because of His unfailing love can I do so. For that, I am so thankful that I really don't have the words to express myself.

Unconditional, unfailing love? Sign me up!


PS. My parents just sent me a text message. How much better can this day get?
PPS. My wonderful friends who help steer me straight: I love you :)
PPPS. How ironic is it that I'm listening to "O Happy Day" right now?

"baaa" 2

I think that every now and then, I need to be broken and reminded that I can't do this life on my own. You'd think that after 21.5 years of existence, I would have learned this by now. But no, I am sheep, hear me "baa."

I've been fighting this broken feeling for awhile, freaking out that I'm falling back into patterns from last semester. I think that it boils down to me having taken the reins of my life back from God. I need to swallow my pride and humbly relinquish them to the better driver.

So now I'm going to put away all of these jumbled feelings that race around my head and focus on homework that needs doing. I've got any number of small assignments to figure out and complete, so here I go.

"baaaa"

I am a sheep. I do not particularly like being one, but I think God's comparison of people to sheep is just too darn accurate. I am very slow at learning what is truly important. Random facts about literature or history? Not a problem! Actual truths? Eh...it takes me awhile.

I'm still in the middle of reading "Traveling Mercies" by Anne Lamott. I don't know what it is about her but I feel like I can really relate. She acted out the extremes of her emotions more than I have, but had I not had the intervention(s) in my life that I have had, I'm pretty sure I could have ended up in those same places. Let me not fool myself to thinking that I am not still a human and prone to falling.

Listening to a song that goes: "Holy, my God, You are worthy of all my praise"

I don't like to sing lyrics like that because I feel like any praise I can give to God is so unworthy of Him. I say words that people have written from their hearts and I wish that I could fully mean them as they did. I keep falling short of the mark, and I don't quite know how to meet God there, wherever "there" is.

And I am scared. I haven't been having anxiety attacks like I had during the fall and summer, but there's always this underlying notion that if I actually try to change, I won't be able to. So I keep clinging to all of these things that made up my whole life for so long. I don't want to change the emotional drama. I'm used to it! Don't take away what's familiar...I don't know how to be in a stable environment.

I am so used to lust being a part of my life that I have a hard time considering the idea of being pure and being free from that bondage. I had a few years of "freedom" before everything happened and now...it has been my entire life. I don't know how to be different.

In these thoughts, I think I'm missing the point. Even though I don't feel bound to my past anymore, it's still there. (It won't go away because I can't change that it happened in the first place.) I'm doing a bad job of explaining myself. I started writing this blog several hours ago and somehow I've had a changed perspective. Maybe I just needed to get away from my self for awhile and focus on other folks for awhile. :) (Usually, that's how my problems seem so much less overwhelming.)

Anyhow, as much as I'd like to keep expounding, I'd rather do something productive with my time. So I'm going to clean my room--it's a pigsty wannabe ;) --and do some homework.


PS. I'm considering dreads for the summer, but that's looking like it will be more of a passing thought than anything else. Maybe I'll do some fun color streaks in my hair instead...?
PPS. I'm still a sheep, but I'm now a sheep with an optimistic POV. ;)

random find

I should really be in bed...

euphoria

Tyler and I celebrated our one year dating anniversary tonight. For his birthday back in September, his roommates pooled their money for a gift card to a nice restaurant, so we ate in style at Daniel's Broiler. The food was absolutely amazing--and the company wasn't half bad either! ;)

After last semester's insanity--very much real on my part--and a lot of growing up, it was nice to have an evening where the two of us could just relax and enjoy each other's company, feeling like two very different people--but in a good way. It was...well, you read the subject line! It was euphoric in so many ways.

Tyler makes me smile and blush and be a giddy fool all at the same time--even when he's not there! People just need to ask me about him and I kind of lose it. :) Without a doubt, I can say that I'm head over heels for the guy. (And everyone says, "Duh...we saw that about a year ago!"

He makes my heart full. I love being close to him because he's so warm and so good. (Wait, did I just quote "Nina"?)

We took a few pics at the end of the evening, and I'm posting what I think are the best ones. Feel free to enjoy and say "awww" at our cuteness. Go ahead. It's liberating. ;)







PS. Check out the Elton John song "Something About the Way"--Tyler sent it to me after passing on the photos.

reading

I'm currently reading "Traveling Mercies" by Anne Lamott for my genres: memoir class. Many, many, many of my English major/professor friends have told me that I must read Anne Lamott. I said that I would...some day. This semester finally slapped me upside the head with the opportunity to do so.

So Anne Lamott is a fascinating person. (And she has dreads!) I'm really enjoying her style of writing and to hear about her experiences--especially her conversion story, which was quite the lengthy process. Why do we think it's a one-time event when it often takes time to come to the realization of who God is and why we can't make it on our own?

After years (and I do mean "years") of drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, multiple sexual relationships, an abortion, and great personal losses, Lamott found herself going to a church:

"...And one week later, when I went back to church, I was so hungover that I couldn't stand up for the songs, and this time I stayed for the sermon, which I just thought was so ridiculous, like someone trying to convince me of the existence of extraterrestrials, but the last song was so deep and raw and pure that I could not escape. It was as if the people were singing in between the notes, weeping and joyful at the same time, and I felt like their voices or something was rocking me in its bosom, holding me like a scared kid, and I opened up to that feeling--and it washed over me.

I began to cry and left before the benediction, and I raced home and felt the little cat [her metaphor for God's insistence] running along at my heels, and I walked down the dock past dozens of potted flowers, under a sky as blue as one of God's own dreams, and I opened the door to my houseboat, and I stood there a minute, and then I hung my head and said, 'Fuck it: I quit.' I took a long deep breath and said out loud, 'All right. You can come in.'

So this was my beautiful moment of conversion."

I read this and just smiled and smiled. I couldn't help it! God proved himself so faithful in her life, regardless of her many mistakes--or maybe just so that He could prove himself more to her. It made me think of my own life--not that there's too much of a comparison. I'm glad that I allowed God to get ahold of me now instead of a decade or so later because, well, I probably would've ended up on the same tracks as Lamott. Regardless of similar/dissimilar actions, I was still on a downward spiral.

I feel like I'm on a very slow upward spiral now. I was reflecting today about the past year and so much of what I've gone through...and it kind of blows my mind. Part of it is that I know cognitively the basic main events that have occurred--realizing God's call on my life, turning from pornography/masturbation, realizing that what happened when I was young should never have happened, confessing these various areas to friends and family, dealing with the consequences of bringing my past to light, wrestling with depression, cutting, going in to counseling, leaving a lot of it behind. And even though I remember these things happening, on the other hand, a lot of it is a blur. (I'm really kind of grateful that I'm not remembering all the details of hell that occurred the last year. I'm glad that I'm remembering the victories a lot more than the defeats!)

I think the biggest part that is just mind-boggling is to realize that I'm still very early in my journey with God--and yet He is showing himself to be so good and so faithful! I don't have to be a spiritual giant to realize who God is. (Yay! Cuz otherwise, I'd never catch wise!) I don't have to be perfect, I just need to follow God in obedience. He will reveal his plan--his AMAZING plan--in His time, and His time is the best time. I've believed in God for about 3/4 of my life thus far, and yet there is still so much time left to get to know Him better. I'm looking forward to it. :)