"baaaa"

I am a sheep. I do not particularly like being one, but I think God's comparison of people to sheep is just too darn accurate. I am very slow at learning what is truly important. Random facts about literature or history? Not a problem! Actual truths? Eh...it takes me awhile.

I'm still in the middle of reading "Traveling Mercies" by Anne Lamott. I don't know what it is about her but I feel like I can really relate. She acted out the extremes of her emotions more than I have, but had I not had the intervention(s) in my life that I have had, I'm pretty sure I could have ended up in those same places. Let me not fool myself to thinking that I am not still a human and prone to falling.

Listening to a song that goes: "Holy, my God, You are worthy of all my praise"

I don't like to sing lyrics like that because I feel like any praise I can give to God is so unworthy of Him. I say words that people have written from their hearts and I wish that I could fully mean them as they did. I keep falling short of the mark, and I don't quite know how to meet God there, wherever "there" is.

And I am scared. I haven't been having anxiety attacks like I had during the fall and summer, but there's always this underlying notion that if I actually try to change, I won't be able to. So I keep clinging to all of these things that made up my whole life for so long. I don't want to change the emotional drama. I'm used to it! Don't take away what's familiar...I don't know how to be in a stable environment.

I am so used to lust being a part of my life that I have a hard time considering the idea of being pure and being free from that bondage. I had a few years of "freedom" before everything happened and now...it has been my entire life. I don't know how to be different.

In these thoughts, I think I'm missing the point. Even though I don't feel bound to my past anymore, it's still there. (It won't go away because I can't change that it happened in the first place.) I'm doing a bad job of explaining myself. I started writing this blog several hours ago and somehow I've had a changed perspective. Maybe I just needed to get away from my self for awhile and focus on other folks for awhile. :) (Usually, that's how my problems seem so much less overwhelming.)

Anyhow, as much as I'd like to keep expounding, I'd rather do something productive with my time. So I'm going to clean my room--it's a pigsty wannabe ;) --and do some homework.


PS. I'm considering dreads for the summer, but that's looking like it will be more of a passing thought than anything else. Maybe I'll do some fun color streaks in my hair instead...?
PPS. I'm still a sheep, but I'm now a sheep with an optimistic POV. ;)