so scared and confused

I feel like an old jigsaw puzzle with pieces missing, and those pieces that aren't lost are warped or have been chewed on by the family dog. I don't feel together at all. In fact, I feel incredibly displaced, disconnected, and rather disturbed.

This morning I woke up with a strange frustration. It wasn't anything huge, and it wasn't something small that I was making a big deal out of either. It's just a small thing, but I didn't want to think about it, so I decided to do the best thing I could think of to keep me from dwelling on it--exercise.

Folks, I don't exercise ever. So when I not only went out for a walk, but ended up running instead, something had to have been up. But again, it didn't seem like a huge thing at all, and it still wasn't something that I was making into a big deal, so I don't know why I exercised for about two hours this morning.

After exercising, I went to Safeway with Eli. While in the Hispanic aisle, I had this sudden, very clear thought. That thought being, "I don't want to get married when I graduate." It came out of nowhere, it went back from whence it came, but it's still somehow hovering. The thing that bugs me the most about this thought was that it didn't stem from some huge emotion--I was pretty flat at the store. Maybe my blood sugar was just low after all the exercising. But it was weird and I don't know what to make of it. Maybe it's just my selfish nature coming out...?

Along these same lines is the recurring thought that I don't want to be an RA next year. This too is coming from a nonemotional place and I don't know what to make of it. For all that I've gone through in the process, I really don't know why I'd suddenly change my mind so entirely about the situation. At the same time, I'm almost tearing up about NOT doing it, so maybe that's just some mental trick too. My head is so messed up!!! I just wish I knew top from bottom right now. Oh, and later in the day, the "I don't want to get married" bit passed as well. So now I REALLY don't know what's going on in my head.

Anyhow, I think the moodiness passed (ha ha).

This evening, I went up to the second Overflow benefit concert--both last night's and tonight's were amazing!--and helped out with ticket sales. It was great. God was definitely there, but I vascillated between feeling Him and being reminded of Him to feeling very disconnected to worship. But by the end of the evening, I was back up on top of things. Didn't hang around long up there because I had (and still have) homework to get done, so I headed back to the dorms. It was like as soon as I was in the hall, I felt back down in the pits again.

I don't understand what's wrong with me. If there were drugs that worked to get rid of whatever this is that's messing with me, I would take them without hesitation. There's a part of me that wants to cut again because even though I know it doesn't solve anything, it would be some kind of bizarre reprieve to all of this. I feel so unprepared for life right now. I don't think I can manage anything. I don't think I can do this whole RA thing, I don't think I can handle the relationship that I'm in, I don't think I can succeed up in AK in summer work, I don't think I'll be able to finish out college well. I feel like I'm overcommitted on too many fronts, and yet I feel like I'm not doing anything.

I've felt like this last year has been a season of God preparing me for...something. I don't know what! And now that it seems like I'm approaching that "something," I feel so unprepared.

And I miss my parents. I really wish that I could talk with them about all of this, just sit down and have a heart to heart, but I can't do that because they're in Africa. And when I was in Africa over break, nothing was talked about because there was never the time or the opportunity. And I hate that this all sounds like one big complaint. I don't like that I'm still messed up. I don't like that I'm still broken. I don't like that I'm starting to take steps backwards.