reading

I'm currently reading "Traveling Mercies" by Anne Lamott for my genres: memoir class. Many, many, many of my English major/professor friends have told me that I must read Anne Lamott. I said that I would...some day. This semester finally slapped me upside the head with the opportunity to do so.

So Anne Lamott is a fascinating person. (And she has dreads!) I'm really enjoying her style of writing and to hear about her experiences--especially her conversion story, which was quite the lengthy process. Why do we think it's a one-time event when it often takes time to come to the realization of who God is and why we can't make it on our own?

After years (and I do mean "years") of drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, multiple sexual relationships, an abortion, and great personal losses, Lamott found herself going to a church:

"...And one week later, when I went back to church, I was so hungover that I couldn't stand up for the songs, and this time I stayed for the sermon, which I just thought was so ridiculous, like someone trying to convince me of the existence of extraterrestrials, but the last song was so deep and raw and pure that I could not escape. It was as if the people were singing in between the notes, weeping and joyful at the same time, and I felt like their voices or something was rocking me in its bosom, holding me like a scared kid, and I opened up to that feeling--and it washed over me.

I began to cry and left before the benediction, and I raced home and felt the little cat [her metaphor for God's insistence] running along at my heels, and I walked down the dock past dozens of potted flowers, under a sky as blue as one of God's own dreams, and I opened the door to my houseboat, and I stood there a minute, and then I hung my head and said, 'Fuck it: I quit.' I took a long deep breath and said out loud, 'All right. You can come in.'

So this was my beautiful moment of conversion."

I read this and just smiled and smiled. I couldn't help it! God proved himself so faithful in her life, regardless of her many mistakes--or maybe just so that He could prove himself more to her. It made me think of my own life--not that there's too much of a comparison. I'm glad that I allowed God to get ahold of me now instead of a decade or so later because, well, I probably would've ended up on the same tracks as Lamott. Regardless of similar/dissimilar actions, I was still on a downward spiral.

I feel like I'm on a very slow upward spiral now. I was reflecting today about the past year and so much of what I've gone through...and it kind of blows my mind. Part of it is that I know cognitively the basic main events that have occurred--realizing God's call on my life, turning from pornography/masturbation, realizing that what happened when I was young should never have happened, confessing these various areas to friends and family, dealing with the consequences of bringing my past to light, wrestling with depression, cutting, going in to counseling, leaving a lot of it behind. And even though I remember these things happening, on the other hand, a lot of it is a blur. (I'm really kind of grateful that I'm not remembering all the details of hell that occurred the last year. I'm glad that I'm remembering the victories a lot more than the defeats!)

I think the biggest part that is just mind-boggling is to realize that I'm still very early in my journey with God--and yet He is showing himself to be so good and so faithful! I don't have to be a spiritual giant to realize who God is. (Yay! Cuz otherwise, I'd never catch wise!) I don't have to be perfect, I just need to follow God in obedience. He will reveal his plan--his AMAZING plan--in His time, and His time is the best time. I've believed in God for about 3/4 of my life thus far, and yet there is still so much time left to get to know Him better. I'm looking forward to it. :)