latest read

I'm in the midst of reading the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I've read several dating/love/purity/marriage type books from a Christian perspective and this is similar to those ones that I've read in the past. (Two keys books from past reading: "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and "And the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity.") Again, this book is like those, but different.

One of the biggest differences is that the level of reading is geared towards a more mature audience. This book doesn't automatically assume that the reader is a morally pure virgin who has never committed a lustful sin--mentally or physically. First of all, I don't think that person exists in our society. It's pretty much impossible to be that pure. (Remember the idea about redeeming purity? I'm still interested in understanding that possibility!)

Another difference is the very personal style of writing--both Eric and Leslie write this book and hand off chapters seamlessly. (Similar to "Captivating" in this way...) Both male and female perspectives are presented and both of these writers admit to having majorly screwed up their romantic lives before giving God the captaincy of their love lives. (Reminds me of what my coworker keeps saying about the "lordship issue"--God needs to be in that priority spot!) The fact is, when we hold the reins of our lives, we screw things up. When we give our Creator control, He guides us perfectly. I'm too much of a control freak...

Something that's been resurfacing as I've been reading this book--and yes, it's been something of a distraction from homework, but I'm to the point of really NOT caring about finishing this semester well...which sucks--is this idea of how when you're single and give God control of your love life, He's going to lead you to the right person at the right time. The thing is, in reading this book, I keep feeling increasingly immature in my approach to my relationship with Tyler. I've been examining my heart and my motives and I don't feel self-sacrificing. I feel selfish.

So the thought keeps occurring to me that I'm not ready to be in a relationship and that maybe it would be better for us to step back, re-evaluate. I want to get myself together BEFORE I'm in a relationship, but at the same time, I know I'll never be fully together in this lifetime. So I'm in a quandary. (typical) I'm pretty sure that Tyler would disagree with the "separation" idea. I'm pretty sure I do as well, but it's still this thought. Maybe I'm scared...?

Okay, so another thing I've noticed is that I'm so scared about screwing up in some way that I overcompensate and really want to dissolve the romantic side of the relationship in some sort of preemptive strike. (Have I mentioned this before? It seems familiar.) I don't want to repeat the past--unlikely, as I only have one sister (heh)--but there's this idea of "must be perfect; failure is unacceptable" that hangs over my head like the sword of Pericles. So then I wonder, "Have I already screwed up?" If so: "where/when/how?" Then: "what do I do now?" Followed by: "How can God have enough grace for me?" Finally: "How can I doubt my God in such a way?"

And my last thought: Have I allowed selfish desires to usurp my God's place in my heart? Did I replace Him with another, lesser lover? ["lover" is purposefully undefined and does not refer solely to human relationship.]