la clef (ironically, pronounced: "clay") [from June 19]

The key (or "clef") that I uncovered whilst abroad centers around my willingness to sacrifice, and I am so unwilling. Verbally, I admit wanting to live my life overseas, doing what God called me to do. Inwardly, I think of all the ways that I can go about that process in the most selfish manner possible. I think the angels might cringe at that. I do.

So here I am, a living sacrifice that keeps getting up off the altar and wandering on my merry way. I want to be devoted to God, but my heart strays and the rest of me follows. I want to be molded by God, not by my own desires or the world around me. I want to be thrown down, spun around, lifted up, and held firmly and unwaveringly in the hands of the Master Potter.

Still, my prideful heart rejects the pushing and the firm hands. I lash out and say that I know what I'm doing, and I can do it on my own. I don't need Your help. When He backs off, I turn away, trying not to see the mournful gaze of rejected Love.

Finally, when I fall, helplessly tangled and hurting from further inside than I can identify, I cry. I don't even cry out for a long time, because I still think that I can manage on my own. Once the tears are dry, I will be able to see again, and I will be able to fix this mess. But when the tears are gone, I still don't see, and then, once I sacrifice my pride again, He returns to once again throw me down, spin me around, lift me up, and hold me firmly and unwaveringly in His masterful hands.