psychotic

Okay, so I'm not fully insane, but I sure have some unfortunate coping mechanisms. In counseling this morning--that was soooo loooooong agooooo and now I'm exhausted--that's the only thing my counselor and I discussed. At my previous session, she gave me a coping test to have me fill out and send back to her.

It was very interesting because we discussed the five basic mechanisms that were presented in the test, and she made sure I understood what the five were. Then she had me self score myself, to see where I came out. Oddly enough, how I scored myself was opposite of what I scored on the actual test. Interesting...I don't know anything--even myself!

So that was both enlightening and discouraging. It's good to understand who I really am, how I act in situations, but it's still disheartening because it's not who I want to be. Aye, there's the rub! I guess that's human nature though. We always want to be what we're not and we despise who we truly are. I just never thought I would be that mundane. Shoot that fantasy out of the sky...

One thing that was addressed in the session was how I don't cry. The first time I met with this counselor, I started crying, but stifled it back as best I could. I did the same thing this time through and when I managed to keep from crying, she pushed there and asked me about it, where I got the idea that it's bad to cry. I don't know where this mentality came from, but I've always felt that tears are a weakness or a wasted effort of some kind. And I especially don't like crying in front of people...it took a very long time for me to feel comfortable enough around Tyler to let that guard down.

I still mask it sometimes, but I've bawled my eyes out on his shoulder--well, more like his arm--and he's still been there, no matter how hideous I've looked afterwards. Wow...he's really not shallow. *sarcasm* He's just about the least superficial guy that I know, which is such a blessing. When he says something, he means it. It's just taking me a little longer to pick up on that facet of his character than most--that's a trust thing carrying over from the past.

But back to my counselor. God has truly blessed me by getting the two of us in contact. She knows what she's doing, and I can tell that she counsels hand-in-hand with the Spirit. I know that she's experienced, but even the most astute people-readers wouldn't know how to push and how hard to pursue an area the way she has without being led by the Holy Spirit.