marriage is so never going to be on my horizon (and I think I'm ok with that)

I have a guy friend from college--yeah graduation!--and he and I have a pretty honest, open dialogue going between us which is kind of ironic because part of this year I hated him. Long story. Anyway, now we have witty banter most days via text and discuss any number of silly and serious subjects.

Today, for some reason that I cannot remember, we were discussing marriage, and I made a comment about how I have serious doubts--at this point in my life--that I will ever get married. He said he doubted that, and I said, "Tell that to the line of suitors at my door." The conversation continued from there with explanation and debate throughout.

I said I didn't think that I would want to endure that kind of heartache--dating--again, which pretty much rules out marriage, which is PERMANENT. (Or should be except in certain cases.) He said that there actually are a handful of decent guys in this world capable of not mauling my heart. I said I disagreed even though I do believe in miracles.

Then I added that I have very high standards--impossibly so--which brought up the point that why should I have standards for something that I don't want in the first place--marriage. Or maybe that came before the previous paragraph. I forget now.

Then I said that I didn't want to inflict myself on another guy, to which he responded that he thought I was a very nice person, even a blessing. I said that as a friend, I'm fine; in intimate relationships, not so much. I basically become a bitch. Granted, I should take into account that my only dating experiences included depression and suicidal thoughts on my part for significant portions of those relationships. Yeah...suicidal, depressed me is not a pretty sight. I become a horrible, horrible person.

And a big part of me wonders...if I ever date again, will I become depressed again? Will I lose myself? I lost myself in my first relationship and didn't really find myself again until after the last one. Funny thing, I kind of LIKE who I am when I'm not depressed. I'm sweet and confident and fun to be around and crazy and beautiful and free, and I don't think I want to mess that up again.

Shoot...I didn't mention that in the conversation earlier. Maybe I should have.