a bit nervous to post this, but...whatever, it's honest

After a lot of discussion with several friends over the weekend, I have deduced the following about myself:

My lack of forgiveness stems from the fact that I am a furious, passionate woman who loves too easily and hurts too deeply—a woman with an overdeveloped sense of justice. Also, I am attracted to arrogant, slutty, and cowardly “men.” This is such a problem. My attractions are my downfall in relationships. (I am so doomed.)

Also, I learned that I need to able to accept the feelings that I have had in past relationships all the while realizing that those feelings were “wrong.” Clearly, they were wrong or else I would be in a non-single state. Fortunately, those feelings were wrong because I actually happen to enjoy being single right now. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with relationship hangover. Emotional vomit smells for everyone involved, is a pain to clean up, and inevitably some residue will remain.

Where does this leave me? Well, I still don’t want to forgive. I also think that the scales have been removed from my eyes. They say that love is blind, and at least the feeling of being in love renders one’s eyes senseless. I have received a lot of clarity in the last few months in regards to a certain young fellow of my former acquaintance. Once we FINALLY established the end of everything possible between us, I have actually seen him for who he is instead of who I thought he was.

He is an arrogant, spineless jerk—somewhat promiscuous in nature—and I pity his insecurity. I pity him, yet I want to tear his throat out, laughing as blood spurts from torn arteries while eyes widen and blink in surprise and confusion. Something else that I have established about myself this weekend is that I am not a pretty person deep down. As evidenced in the second to last sentence, I have a very dark, very cruel side of me that wants to be released.

Lord, help me fight my flesh, my Hyde. I cannot forgive on my own, especially when I do not want to forgive. As such, I also cannot heal on my own, because this wound will continue to fester under the healing scab as long as I refuse to let You lance off the infection.