unsettled

Why do I go through these periods (haha...quite literally in many senses) on a monthly basis? It seems that hand-in-hand with pms, I get agitated in a variety of ways. I feel like I need to fix things, I feel restless, it's really the only time of the month that I'm motivated to attempt change in my life. It's not usually something huge, sometimes it's just a temporary adjustment.

This time around, I'm in the midst of several applications, all potentially life-changing, and I--as usual--was stressing about them. Stress came even more heavily because I'm pms-ing, and then panic set in, so it was not good. (Also, Tyler left for Thailand Thursday morning, and it's harder than I thought not to have my best friend around. [More on this later.]) So everything sort of hit the fan during chapel Friday morning and I decided that I needed to take things up a level. I'm busting out the big guns and going on a weeklong fast.

I've never fasted in my life.

Needless to say, it's been an experience so far. I'm not really hungry, actually. I have moments, but only the first day was a little difficult. The hunger pains made me suspect appendicitis for awhile, but they passed. I've been drinking juice--and punch at the wedding yesterday, and I was a little suspect of that, but the friend I was with insisted that I drink it so that I didn't pass out (wasn't going to happen, but I do appreciate the concern)--and water, and it's been interesting. I had a bit of a headache yesterday, but I slept a lot last night and I feel fine.

Originally, I was going on this fast for prayerful guidance as I filled out my RA application for next year, continued to fill out my application for my trip to China (don't know when that will happen!), and prayed for wisdom and commitment to my convictions. (That area has majorly slipped, regained footing, slipped, regained a lot recently and I'm tired of the back and forthness.)

The fast has definitely been a help while filling out the application. The extra prayer and focus has enabled me to auto-edit as I answer the various essay questions. (It's a good thing I can write semi-well or this would have immediately turned me off from applying! Maybe I should make that suggestion when I go through the process...? Maybe I'll wait on that.)

Primarily, I think this fast is teaching me about commitment. I committed to a week long fast. Yesterday, when I was surrounded by good food smells, I began thinking to myself, "Well, I'll just keep the fast for as long as it takes to fill out the RA application, then it'll be fine. I didn't really make a deal with God..." Then I stopped myself and frowned (inwardly, as that would have been strange at a reception). Why was I willing to compromise myself before God? Maybe the initial reason for the fast will be over before the fast is over, but there is so much more that can be learned, and there are so many more reasons to maintain the fast--so much to pray about!--that it would be foolish to end a commitment early.

All this to say, I'm keeping my fast for a week.

In other news, Tyler is in Thailand. He flew out Thursday morning and had very long flights there. No adverse side effects of jet lag going, which means he's going to be a bear coming back this way. (I'm so glad I don't live with him! ;) It will be interesting to see how he reacts coming back this direction. I'll have to learn how to deal with his stress level better. Learning opportunity!!!!) They flew into Bangkok first, but couldn't check email until they made it to Chiang Mai. So finally this morning--way too early, I'm glad I didn't stay up to wait for the email--got a general message to know that they're safe and sound. I'm not expecting anything till next weekend, so it's good to know that he's still alive.

Anyhow, I need to get offline and get ready for church. Hopefully the roads aren't too icy and I make it there on time. PLUS: there's a QFC next door and Odwalla juice sounds delightful right now.