no compromise

I've been sensing this since the middle of break, when I finally took the time to evaluate my spiritual life--crappy--and to realize that where I was heading was not where I wanted to go, but tonight was the night that truly captured the desire to change, to make a stand, and to not look back. (Run on sentences are okay when one is tired and emotionally spent...but spiritually satiated--for now. :) )

Yesterday at church, P. Eric spoke about excuses. I decided I didn't want to make excuses for my lousy insides--that spill out into my actions/behaviors--anymore. This morning, The Don spoke about integrity and not compromising one's morals. Tonight, the speaker at Pursuit talked about compromise, but he shared a very vivid vision about how God sees compromise in His people.

Before Pursuit, I had written an email to a friend--and the Pursuit student leader--about my testimony. I'd contacted him about it last semester, but after break, I felt like my testimony was shot, useless. I felt like a broken failure with nothing valid to say. So I discussed that in the email. Afterwards, I went to a brainstorm session concerning the women's conference coming up this semester. I was already emotional from confessing and expressing my concerns about my testimony, and discussing how we can effectively restore women on campus through this conference kept up the emotional churning. We ended the meeting in prayer--always a good thing.

At Pursuit, everything came together. I feel like I felt last year when God confirmed my call to missions. I remembered that I can't live for myself. I live for God, to be pure and blameless in His grace. He bought my life with His blood--how can I refuse to give my life to Him? On a daily basis, I give Him less than He deserves.

So I'm choosing to give my life back to Him. (It seems that I rededicate my life a lot...probably a lot less than I ought to!) I'm doing so because I know that God has great plans for my life--not just good ones. I know that He plans to use me as a very effective tool to reach people. I know that in my own strength and efforts, none of that can happen. And since I desire people to truly, intimately know God, I can't stand in the way anymore.

I'm giving up myself to God. I'm not going to compromise anymore. The devil will attack me, and I know that it's not going to be easy. But I know that God wants so much more for me than what I can ever imagine. I know that I'm on the winning side, and I know that God will not forsake me in hardship.

I'm sick of trying. I'm going to do.