I can do this, and God's gonna help me

I decided to start to fast today. After all the crazy emotions that I've been experiencing and the spiritual commitments that I've been making and breaking, I figured it was time to bust out the big guns. I'm feeling too wishy washy and I know that I'm on the brink of something big in my life. I'm a little scared to see what it is, but I'm more frustrated with staying where I'm at or going backwards to be worried about it forever.

As I was filling out my RA application, I was seeing how time and again, God has been faithful to walk me through some pretty extraordinary experiences. And I'm still alive and moving forwards into good stuff He's promised, so that in itself speaks volumes. Really, I didn't realize how much these circumstances built on each other to lead me to some serious testing and self-examination. All of that was really hard to go through, but I'm thankful for having gone through it because the product at the end--who I am now--is so much different and much better than who I used to be. I'm growing into the woman God intends for me to be, and I like that it's actually possible for that to happen!

In chapel today, they talked about depression. I didn't realize how big of a deal it was to me until I started crying. I guess once you experience it, you will always hurt for those who struggle with it, which, in some ways, is good. It means that I can relate to people and help them walk through it since they'll know that it is actually possible to recover. Something very powerful that was mentioned was how Jesus, on the cross, cried out, "My God, why have you forsaken me?" He said that so that we would never have to. Wow. So often I don't even begin to realize how much Jesus experienced humanity like us.

A separate thought that I had during chapel was about my struggle with pornography/masturbation. It's something that I was confident that I'd put behind me, and then my overconfidence was my downfall at the end of last semester. Then again at the beginning of this semester. So I was asking God why I was tempted so much again when for nearly a year, I'd been able to shrug off the temptation when it did arise. Thought scribbled in the margin of my journal: "Did I stop getting tempted because I couldn't resist at that point? Is this now God's way of showing me that I can resist temptation?"

It says in the Bible that we will never be tempted with more than we can handle, and I think that rings true in this situation. I've grown a lot over the last year, from when I first began to leave the addiction behind--painful, disappointing process! After the initial withdrawal faded, I felt homefree. Temptation came, but it was never strong, and I would briefly consider, think, "no thanks," and move on with life. And all of a sudden: BAM! But I think there's more at stake here than this issue. The devil doesn't want me anywhere near the plans that God has for me--whatever they are, but they make me excited!--and I know that when I screw up spiritually, I get so down on myself that I refuse any good thing that comes up afterwards. So perhaps, this is more than just "run of the mill" temptation and is on a bigger scale than I think. I'll keep this in mind and see what happens next. (This is another reason for the fast.)

And I'm really tired right now, probably a mix of low blood sugar and having cried a lot today.