:S

I went to Pursuit tonight and felt like I was back to square one all over again. Yep, just when I think I've "arrived" spiritually, I feel like I've found the beginning of the circle and I get to go around again. It feels like the cycle is unending sometimes.

I texted one of my mentors in the midst of it, and mentioned these thoughts, asking if this process ever ended. She said no, which is what I expected her to say. I guess if I ever did arrive, it'd mean that I'd died, so I ought to be glad I'm not there yet.

Still, it can be frustrating to have gone through so much last week, even through parts of today, and to feel like I'm finally getting somewhere only to feel like I've gotten nowhere. She said it sounded like the devil was yanking my chain. I agree, and I started praying more at that point--ah, the key to all problem solving.

Later, as I was on my way to Safeway to grab some yogurt and an air freshener, I contemplated the image of the devil yanking on my chain, trying to draw some kind of analogy. I pictured a tiger--a massive, glossy cat, beautiful to behold, and very dangerous. I pictured it chained to a marble pillar by a smallish chain, and then thought of someone yanking on the chain and half-choking the tiger.

To me, I felt that the chain represented all of my humanity that comes between me and God. The tiger was the majestic and powerful creature that God intends me to be. The devil obviously fears who I can be in God--he fears all who strive to become who God intends them to be. Since there is nothing about God that can be used against me, the chain must be the warped perspectives and the selfish ideas that I have formed in my mind. They subdue the warrior within, but God wants me to be unfettered.

As much as I want to be unleashed into the world, I am so scared to actually step out and walk in God's victory. I know what He has done for me, and I desire this healing and restoration for others. How I go about letting go of my self and tucking in to God feels somewhat beyond me. In a lot of ways, I still feel very unprepared to face battle, but I wish I had the courage and the knowledge necessary to fight effectively. I know I'm already on the winning side.