step in the right direction

Today was a hard day. I was tired, very tired. I felt thoroughly worn out, and I didn't realize until late in the afternoon that part of the exhaustion was stemming from a headache. Fortunately, some level of intelligence kicked in and I ended up taking some meds for teh hurting with my dinner. By the way, Wendy's is a nice pick-me-up over caf food when one feels low. :)

Anyhow, today is actually turning out to be a good-ish day. At least, good things are coming from it. Let me continue with this strain because looking at it, it doesn't seem like today should have been a good day at all.

I went to chapel this morning, feeling tired and having a headache, and as a result, I didn't pay much attention. One of my friends in chapel--not one of my closest friends, but definitely a wonderful woman--spontaneously greeted me and told me I was beautiful. I was loathe to agree to that as...well, in my state of mind this morning, I didn't think that someone who was semi-suicidal/semi-self-destructive could be beautiful. (I guess this is geared more towards the "true" me that's hiding under all this insanity.)

Partway through chapel I wanted to leave. Here was my thought process: "If I totally ditched chapel, I would fail. So I'm not going to totally ditch chapel. I can leave my stuff in the row, even my shoes. I can go downstairs to the classrooms and either look for something sharp or borrow a pair of scissors from one of the profs down there, claiming needing something to cut. Then I can cut myself, return the scissors, go back to chapel for the last bit, and leave." That was what I was thinking. Thank you, God, for keeping me in my chair!

After chapel, I went to class where someone asked me how I was doing. It was like she knew...but I don't think she did. I wasn't giving off some "I want to hurt myself" vibe that I could tell, so I brushed it off, claiming fatigue--which was partially true.

I rested through one of my afternoon classes, then went to choir, feeling exhausted still, like I had mono or something. I haven't felt that drained in such a long time. (I think I could attribute that feeling to both physical and supernatural causes.) After choir, I went back to my room to try to get some more rest. (I'd emailed work earlier in the day to say I might not be going in.)

I originally went to bed to try to nap, but I couldn't sleep, and I was getting the strange urge to cut again. This is something that still boggles my mind. I never used to understand what drove a person to self-mutilation. And yet, all of a sudden, it was an acceptable practice and an effective coping mechanism. How quickly do I become addicted to what is harmful...

So I sat at my desk and picked up my scissors again. I started scratching at my arm, a different spot this time. (I currently have parallel scratches on my arm.) In the middle of this, I stopped and it sort of hit me as to what I was doing. "I have a sharp object and I am cutting my own flesh. Something does not add up here." I was, again, horrified by what I was doing. Horrified and scared. So I texted Tyler--who was still in class--asking if I could meet him afterwards. Then I changed my mind and texted him back saying not to. (I was going to give him my scissors.) He, of course, would not accept "never mind" and said he would meet me.

Really, I was surprised that he'd texted me back because I didn't think he'd get my text. I was half challenging God during this "cutting" time today. Thinking, "If You really want me to stop, if You really care about me, You'll send someone to talk to me or ask how I'm doing, etc." Basically, I learned today that by challenging God, I'm really being an idiot. I bet He laughs sometimes at how foolish we are. :) I would!

All this explanation to say: I gave Tyler my sharp objects this afternoon--my scissors, my leatherman, a kitchen knife. We talked for a while, which was something I needed, personal conversation with personal connection. A common thread: I can do a lot more harm when I isolate myself from others. (Also, when I help other people...attention is drawn from my problems, and that is also a good thing.)

Anyhow, so when I got back to my room tonight after practice, I was talking with friends online, singing along to Wicked, writing this blog, and I got a knock on my door. Random, but I figured it would actually be for my absent roommate. Surprise, it was my friend who talked to me in chapel this morning. She said that she felt compelled to come talk to me, to tell me that she loved me. I was kind of blown away. She went on to say that I'm an encouragement to her and have been in the past, and how I don't know how I am a blessing to her and others on campus, how I bring peace to people just by being around. Again: stunned!

And throughout the day, I've had several other people encouraging me, leaving me notes and text messages. It's been a big blessing.

God, You are awesome. I can only attribute all of this to You.