self-sabotage

I don't fully understand myself, but I think I'm hitting on something with that subject line. I don't believe anyone starts out the day thinking, "How can I effectively destroy my life?" I think it is a product of negative thoughts and circumstances that are not properly dealt with. Furthermore, it seems that it is a poor coping method. It is easier to get through circumstances if one sees oneself as the victim. "I'm not to blame, everyone ELSE has done this to me."

And so I sabotage my own life. I feel like I've blogged about this before, but if so, the idea obviously didn't stick in my head and I need to hash it out again.

I don't believe good things will ever happen for me, so I keep them from happening. When people get close, I try to keep them from getting too close because what if they did? Would my life be miraculously better? Maybe not miraculously, but it couldn't hurt too much. At the same time, it's only when people are close that they can hurt me. I don't like the past to repeat itself anymore than the next person...and I'm terrified that it will.

And when good things happen, it seems that they are immediately followed by bad things. But my question for myself is this: how much am I responsible for these effects? What portion of my problems do I create for myself? And why do I prefer to dwell in my problems than to face the solutions and stride forward?

So many questions. So few answers.