Gomer

I feel like Gomer must have felt. I feel how Israel must have felt. I feel how...I feel. (Okay, the depth of that thought vanished.)

I wasn't going to go to Pursuit tonight. I have so much work to get done and so little time this week that I thought, "If I go to Pursuit, I'll just be killing myself by staying up too late. Is spiritual benefit worth it?" (Even to me, I feel that argument is pretty weak.)

Anyhow, I worked all evening and actually was at a reasonable spot by the time Pursuit rolled around, so I went. I'd heard earlier that the topic was going to be deliverance--how fitting for my life these days--so I was torn about whether or not I should go. (Again, the whole "is it worth it" bit.)

So God got me there.

Once I got there, I wanted to find a seat, especially with people that I knew, because I was anticipating some emotional turmoil. I ended up between two good friends...but they both left before the altar call came. I think that must've been a good thing, because I had to make the choice for myself, and within myself, to go up and to pray.

So I went during the altar time, and waited to pray with one of the leaders. The thing is, the prayer leaders were a little overwhelmed with people wanting to pray. Also, I wasn't about to push forward for prayer because I was still wrestling with the idea of needing deliverance from all this stuff. I can't even point out what it all is. There's so much and it's all interrelated...this is why I'm going to counseling. (Two weeks more. Two weeks more. Two weeks more.)

I stayed back and prayed quietly, willing myself not to cry. I didn't want to cry anymore--I still don't--so I was keeping myself together as best I could. There was a girl standing near me who'd been praying with some of the girls who weren't able to get to the prayer leaders, and she asked me if I was...okay, not sure how it all came about. I didn't hear her very well, but we managed to communicate that I was not doing well and that prayer needed to happen.

I didn't say what I was seeking prayer for because I didn't fully know myself, but she started praying. I've doubted the Holy Spirit before, thinking "He can do that...but not this." No more. Everything she prayed for pertained to my life. Family, hurt, "rough spots." Wow.

The thing is, I'm not suddenly 100% better. In fact, on the way down the hill afterwards, I had to keep wrestling with myself, arguing back at the oppression, that I wasn't going to succumb to everything that God has delivered me from. I'm saying this in faith because it's still there, but I know that God will continue to work with me as I go through all of this healing. It's a process.

But God is here, and I have renewed faith and hope for endurance.