disappointment

Last night I wrote two emails, very much the same type, to two different leaders on campus. One leads a prison ministry and the other will be leading a missions trip to Seattle in the spring. Initially, I contacted the one because I really wanted to be a part of that ministry and I had been contacted by the other to be a part of the leadership team for the missions trip. I was so excited about both of these. Finally, a chance to live out my call!

But this is not to be.

I contacted them both because, well, because I feel like a fraud thinking that I can offer of myself to help others who are struggling. I can't help others when I am so screwed up myself. And so I back out and am inconsistant. This is the third time within half a year that I've had to pull out from ministry. If I didn't know that God called me that direction, I'd start taking it as a "sign" that I should refocus my efforts.

In the meantime, I hurt. After I sent those emails last night, I broke down and wept. It hurts so much to be prevented from helping others because I need to help myself first. It seems so contrary for me to think about myself first, but just about everyone's been trying to beat that idea in to me, so it's probably about time that I listened.

I think this is truly the last straw in this whole haystack of woes. I feel motivated to seek out help. So Thursday morning I have an appointment. People know about it, so I have prayer. And that's a good thing.