perfection?

Is there such a thing as "too" perfect? There's a point where I begin to doubt perfection, and that's my paranoid self freaking out. It's weird, because I was freaking out about this earlier, but now I'm not. Maybe it's been that I've had time to emotionally distance myself--not cut off the emotion, but allow the hormones to abate in order to view the situation from a logical perspective. (Oh geez...I really do use isolation as a coping mechanism. "Emotions are good...but let's weigh in intellectually before we do anything too rash, okay?")

Anyhow, this weekend has been amazing in so many ways. I feel a part of the Cronk clan now--yipes--and I'm actually okay with that prospect--double yipes. That means that even less is holding me back from a future with Tyler. I'm both excited and terrified by the idea. (Still. It doesn't seem to go away, just more illumination on the subject occurs over time.) We had a lot of time together, we were both relaxed, and let's just say SFL (sexual frustration level) spiked pretty much all the time. It got to the point of me sitting next to him and my heart would beat faster!

One of the nights, we were sitting alone--and I was sitting on his lap--but we were talking and gazing into each others' eyes--yeah, cheesy, I know ;) --and Tyler asks me, "Will you marry me?" I was floored by the question...and yet not really. I was so uncertain how to respond. I didn't think he was fully serious--he wasn't--and after further clarification realized he meant in a theoretical future. He says he's going to ask me again, seriously, in the future, but it was more of a pre-emptive question.

After the emotional high dwindled to a dull roar, we talked about it more. I wanted to ask him during daylight hours if what he'd said was true. Did he really mean it or was it the mood of the previous evening/the glass of wine at dinner/my yoga pants (?) that swayed him to say it? He said it was still real and it hadn't been influenced by other sources. I believe him, but I'm still in a whirl because of it.

Tonight we watched Serenity together. We were...wow. It's getting to the point of impossibility to be that close without succumbing to temptation--in whatever form that might take. Geez. I think my heart was about to explode half the night! I'm beginning to think that his being gone for six months in China is going to be a blessing. Part of this is that we've had a segment of time together a lot, and that will of course increase interest in each other. So it's good that we're both going to be busy for the rest of the semester and will be going our separate ways for Christmas break.

But I'm getting off topic. (A little.) After the movie, we were talking things over, and I wasn't freaking out about anything. He talked about his past some, and for once, I didn't wig out over the girls in his past. (Finally! Thank you, Jesus, for working on that in my mind.) Maybe I'm finally catching on to the fact that Tyler really loves me and that his past is staying in the past. Oh yeah, and I almost kissed him.

WHOA!

I was kissing his cheek, and I kissed near his mouth--awfully near--and then my heart stopped. Did I or didn't I kiss him? I was absolutely mortified about the idea that I might have, so I kind of curled into his chest and asked if I had. I hadn't, fortunately, but I was still worried. It would have been so easy. To clarify: Tyler and I have promised not to kiss each other unless we get married. That sounds very "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" but it's based on our similar pasts of being tempted and falling to sexual/lustful temptation. Both of us want to keep our relationship pure and don't want to taint it, so we've set up this precedent so as to avoid going too far. So far in our relationship, it's worked...but it's getting so hard! I can't begin to explain how hard it is not to kiss him every time I see him. Again, good thing that we're going our separate ways for awhile, eh?

But back to talking. While we were talking, I was asking Tyler questions and throughout the conversation, he kept giving the perfect answers or saying the ideal things. Girls, you know what I mean--those things that you always hope a guy will say to you? It's so hard to imagine that a guy--a real guy and not some fantasy man--will actually say those things and MEAN them instead of saying them for the sake of manipulation. I know that he's not manipulating me--at least I think I know--because I've prayed about it and I'm not getting any negative feedback from my Daddy upstairs. So it's weird. I'm at the point of accepting it as truth, and I want to, and I am, but there's part of me that's still questioning it. I don't feel that it's false, and I don't think it either, but there's this part of me that's saying, "Logically, this can't be real, so why are you believing it?" Fortunately, that voice is very small, and I can shush it easily. Again, I've prayed and I'm not seeing something horribly wrong.

All this to say, I think I'm going to try to keep my distance for awhile.