zen

Okay, so the proper definition of zen and what the term has come to be associated with in American society are two different things. For the purposes of this blog, I'm using the American version that is basically that of peace coming with balance. That's something that I've been learning all summer. I don't think I'm pretentious enough to say, "This is the one thing that God's been teaching me all summer" because I'm sure He's been pointing out other things throughout the past few months. However, this is at the top of the list.

I hadn't really thought of balance in my life, never took the time to really apply or even to realize that I needed to be more balanced. I tend to be an extremist, black or white, this or that, one or the other, and it is difficult for me to be able to find balance between the extremes. This isn't to say that I'm now advocating grey areas, although they do exist in some things. What I am saying is that in order to prevent chaos from reigning and from letting my over-the-top emotions get the best of me, I have needed to learn balance. Granted, I am nowhere near being balanced, but I'm learning, albeit slowly, how to be more so and less "out there."

I'm learning--heavy emphasis on "learning"--to take things more slowly and to be aware of my self. I'm learning more of how to deal with me and my actions and words towards others. I'm also realizing how selfish I really am--embarrassment to admit out loud--and how my short-term selfish plans are very debilitating to the long-term selfless plans that God intends.

It has been somewhat frustrating because I feel like I keep running into a brick wall when I try to do these things--balance, selflessness, holding my tongue and behavior. I run headlong into the wall, stumble back halfway coherent, come to, realize that I was trying to do it all in my strength, and shake my head at my own repetitive foolishness. When will I ever learn that I can't do it on my own? It's then that I drop to my knees--figuratively and/or literally--get my heart right with God, then follow His lead.

And no, it's not always a comfy, warm bunny slipper experience. A lot of the time, it sucks to follow Him because He keeps remolding me into more of who I am meant to be. This is so contrary to my fallen human nature that I fight him tooth and nail a lot of the time. I don't blatantly come out and defy Him to His face. [Well, if I were face to face with the Lord Almighty, I have SEVERE doubts that I would have the gall to defy Him. Yeah, wouldn't happen. (Again, figuratively.)] Instead, I tend to "forget" that God is there all along and try to do things on my own, taking my insignificant human tools to deal with life, and only when I realize my capacity for incompetence do I run back to the Father and ask Him to help.

Another thing I'm learning this summer is the power of prayer. In my opinion, it is the greatest tool that God has given His people. We have the means of communicating with an almighty, supernatural God who's got everything under control. I think we often underestimate the power of prayer. I underestimate, or I doubt the power of my prayers. Often, I feel marginalized by the pentecostal crowd--even though that is the denomination with which I affiliate--because I do not speak in tongues; but overall, I know that prayer works. I am alive and well because of prayer. I can and will testify to that. And I will testify to God's greatness because of all that He has done for me, and for all that He has done for my family, and for many many multitudes of people. Why don't we wake up and realize how amazing He truly is? He astounds me.

Okay, I tend to rabbit trail when I get on the topic of God. Yet another thing that I'm learning this summer. I'm learning to love God--not as a semi-faceless entity, but as a personal Friend, Savior, Father, Lover. And when I get started talking about Him, I have a hard time stopping. Praise the Lord for opening my eyes! I pray that your eyes will be opened as well to see God for who He truly is: a perfect, just, and holy God.