tired thoughts

I should really be sleeping right now. I have this bizarre habit of not sleeping until I know that as soon as I hit the pillow, I'll be dead to the world. I don't like lying in bed and having thoughts run through my mind, replaying the day or the past or whatever. I want to use my bed for sleep and sleep only.

Anyhow, this weekend has so far been much better than last weekend. No inordinate amounts of tears. No crazy panics. No fears welling up and attempting to overthrow my sanity. But the weekend is still young, and who knows what could happen from here! (That's a joke.)

This has been a hard week. There's been a lot of pushing on all sides, and I've been hard-pressed to listen to any one of those sources. The pushing has been predominantly good, and has helped me take the right steps towards wellness.

For instance, I'm going back into counseling. Good thing, right? Healthy, safe, neutral place to work through my issues. Always been a fan. Well, okay, not always. But once I actually started going through counseling and realized how helpful it could be, I became a fan. I digress.

I'm going in to a place Tuesday morning for an "orientation" meeting to see if this one place is right for me and my situation. I hope so. My other leads have pretty much fallen by the wayside. I'm hoping that's for a reason and that God is leading me to this one place. I'd really appreciate it if I could not be disappointed in this. (God, I don't think I could handle it. Please don't take that as a challenge to make me grow. I'm having a hard time as is.)

Anyhow, I think I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm going back into counseling and that I'll be dealing with my past and all the issues involved. I'm terrified to do this. It's not inducing anxiety attacks--which is bizarre--but for some reason, under this occasionally semi-calm demeanor, I am dreading this. I know that the end results will be good, but I don't want to go through this entire process. I don't want to. I'm close to refusing to do so, but it's not about me.

I hasn't been about me since God confirmed my call. I realized then that I couldn't live for myself anymore, and I realize now that if I don't deal with this, I'll be pretty ineffective out in the "real world."

But now I'm about to pass out on my keyboard, so I should go to bed.