hurting

I've been listening to a lot of DMB this weekend. Granted, that was due to the two concerts I attended, but I've been listening to them a lot beyond the concerts, especially today. Listening to "Grey Street" earlier brought tears that had been simmering under the surface all day. I think one of the reasons why I'm drawn to secular music right now--instead of Christian music--is because what I'm going through is of the world, and has seemingly no connection to the church. God's involved--thankfully--but it feels like the institution of Christianity can't relate. Now I'm just rambling, but before I go, I leave the lyrics of "Grey Street."

"Grey Street" by Dave Matthews Band

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinkgs, "Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can't get out of this place"

There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together--to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might

She says, "I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place"

There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together--to grey
And it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It'd take the work out of the courage

But she says, "Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world"

There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in here heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together--to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey

I feel a lot like this song. I feel like this girl, but with some differences. I know God hears my prayers, and He's got my back through all of this, but the difficulty is still there. I was talking with Tyler earlier, asking him if he thinks I'll ever get "better." He said yes, but only if I want to. He's right. I need to make the conscious decision to choose to seek the help I need to get through this. That takes a lot from me, because I never ask anyone for help. But pride be damned if that comes between who I am now and who God intends for me to be. (Did I just swear...?)