Dave Matthews take two

It's now quite early Monday morning, and I've been back at school about 30 minutes. Why I am not currently in bed is a mystery that I am currently too tired to solve. :) The last night of a three night concert gig is definitely worth attending. A lot of favorites were played--even the die-hard fan I went with was pleased ;) . There were still a lot of drunk white people trying to dance. A bunch were smoking tobacco, some were smoking weed--hey, we were in great company. :) We had better seats, but we were in the thick of madness in that area. Oh well, DMB is teh bomb regardless. Dave even gave a plug against drunk driving, so he earned even more respect.


Entirely separate: I have a bizarre relationship with makeup. I usually don't wear it because I don't want to look painted or fake. I want to look like me. Sometimes, I wear makeup to look pretty--for church and other dressy occasions--but most of the time I put on makeup, its purpose is to hide. It's like a disguise for me, like I get this compulsion to cover up who I really am.

I had this thought today about the past. What if the person who abused me was not abused by someone else first? As disgusting and horrible as that is, I'd prefer that she were abused. It somehow makes it all bearable. The corresponding thought to this was how could I have ever participated willingly in the abuse? I never rejected it. What does that make me? (This is why I wore makeup today...)

My other thought was about how a person's circumstances define them. For example, I don't want the world to know about my past because then I will be defined as a victim of child abuse. It's shameful enough without being overlooked as an individual.

All this to say: I think I'm going to be wearing a lot of makeup for awhile.