death has its appealing qualities

Okay, that's a macabre way to title a blog, but it's true. Death is often a very appealing "thing"--I use that word b/c I'm too dead, pardon the pun, to come up with anything more descriptive.

I have not thought about dying for about a year and a half, when I was depressed and suicidal. To alleviate all concerns, I am not suicidal...not in the least bit. I don't want to kill myself. I don't really want to die. But death is certainly sounding nice at the moment. Confused? So am I.

Today is the kind of day that makes me think of dying as peaceful and it also makes me think of sleep, which is probably why it sounds so bloody good right now. I am tired. I am worn out. Yes, I did just have a vacation, but being sick and being thrown into the panic-mode of TEXTBOOK SEASON at work right off the bat sort of erased the wonderful goodness that came from the trip to AK. And now I desire to pout about it, but that takes too much energy that I need to conserve for work.

I felt like collapsing in the bookstore all morning. In fact, I spent as much time as I could sitting down while working b/c my legs are--go figure--tired like the rest of me. And my lower back hurts. It's enough work to drain my mental faculties and yet not enough to keep me so focused so as to forget about how draining it is. (Does that make sense?) I asked my manager today if my term of servitude was up so that I could be dead. She looked minorly concerned, but she has way too much on her plate--ie. dealing with professors and textbooks and impatient students--than to worry about one of her workers expiring on the floor. Also, and this is more horrific, we're losing the other student worker at the end of this week. This means STRESS for the rest of us, as if we didn't have enough pressure already.

(God, is my term up? Can I come home yet?)

This is also why I'm taking an hour lunch break instead of the typical thirty minutes. I needed to get out and to sit down.