victim

In a conversation I had with a friend last night, he firmly and in a not so gentle way, rebuked me from my current mood. I was tired and emotional and started complaining about how I didn't see my future going the way I thought it should be going. The details of the conversation don't matter except to say that I really wanted to fight him on the matter and chose not to for the sake of peace.

I'm glad that I chose to bite my tongue instead because when I clambered up to bed and began crying my eyes out, I thought over what he'd said and tried to rationalize the rebuke away, painting him to be the bad guy. No dice. He was right: I was not.

In the morning, I thought it over more, when the emotions had died down and I could think about it more logically, without emotions getting in the way. I discovered that I have the tendency to see myself the victim. I allow myself to wallow in despair instead of choosing the better attitude.

It's not merely coincidental that this change in attitude corresponds neatly with me releasing my relationship with God to go where it may. It mostly fell apart, or fell away from me, and I didn't try hard to get it back. The circumstances surrounding that release aren't consequential, at least not in comparison to the fact that I let go of God and didn't seem to care.

By the time I woke up to this reality, my heart had hardened and my selfish, obstinate nature took over. I have been wrestling with God over Christmas break. I think I cracked my Bible once--maybe twice--and most of the time, I've been angrily demanding answers from God about my various problems.

At this point, I feel very unprepared to go back to school in less than a week to be an RA again. So right now, God, I'm putting down my defenses. I'm opening up my shriveled, hardened heart as much as I can on my own strength. Batter it, Lord. Do what it takes to knock down the walls that keep me from You. Without You, there is no reason to draw breath, and all I really want to breathe is You.

Am I a victim? Only if I refuse to let God rescue me.