anywhere but here

body still,
pulse pounding,
heart yearning to explode,
I wish I could be anywhere but here.

Why do I feel the need to not be where I am now? Why do I look at my life and think that I am insignificant? Why do I look at my life and wish that I was either completely broken or whole but not a little of both?

I talked with a good friend last night--someone who can relate to me very well--and talking with her made me feel somewhat tilted, if that makes any sense. I used to think that when I stopped seeing a counselor last year that I was well on my way to being whole. I had dealt with the crap, and I was on to my next biggest challenge: healing from a breakup.

Ok, so it's not like that was a walk in the park at the time, either. (Thankfully, that's finally over and resolved. It just took a year, is all.) Not the point of the blog. Reversing to the start of the rabbit trail...

Anyway, so a year later, I know that I've made progress, but even so, I know I still have a long way to go. I think about potential relationships, and I feel sick. Is that how a whole person is supposed to react? I think about turning into a monster with another guy in the picture, and I revolt at the idea. I think about an actual marriage relationship, and my stomach gets queasy.

Me? Married? It's laughable!

It's not that I think I'm beyond loving someone else or being loved in return, but I can't stomach the idea of the act of marriage. It's good thing it's not exactly one of my future options at this point--at least not short term future. Even so, I don't know if I'll ever be able to handle marriage.

I remember talking with one of my coworkers from the bookstore and she and I were somehow discussing a couple that was going through premarital counseling in which the woman had been sexually abused growing up. (Random side note: still feel like it's a lie when I say that I was...) My coworker didn't know anything from my past, but one of the things that she basically said during the conversation was that the future husband was probably going to regret marrying this girl because she would always be screwed up from her past and that intimacy would be very hard for them.

At the time, I tried to brush it off, but clearly, the thought dug deep and hasn't let go of me yet. I wish that I could meet someone who was sexually abused who has had a healthy marriage regardless of the...hold the phone. I am SUCH an idiot. My mother was abused as a child, and she and my dad have a GREAT relationship.

She and I need to talk.