in God we trust (sometimes, sort of...)

Can't put it better than how I already put it in an email earlier today. Below is what happened to me over the weekend... :)



Hi Brenda,

Yesterday before we sang at Cedar Park and you asked the choir if God had moved in our lives during the morning services, I wanted to speak up, but I didn't want to take a lot of time, and you said, "Quickly!" so I thought it would be better to just send you an email instead.

God works in all the details, as I'm coming to understand, and He's definitely a God of intricacy with an eye on everything. Last week, while working on an assignment for Bible Study and Interp, I was doing the msn messenger thing with Tyler's mom (who is like a second mom to me) in Alaska, and she and I started discussing one of the passages in 1 Corinthians 12 about speaking in tongues. I was confused by the passage, so she clarified a bit more.

Even though I grew up AG and I've done the "come forward to receive the gift in tongues" altar call bit a few times in my life, I still don't use the gift. Laura--Tyler's mom--told me that she believes the gift is in me but that I haven't opened up to it yet. Anyway, this isn't entirely the point of the email at all, so I'll get to what she said that really stuck with me over the weekend. One of the things she said was, "Face it, Bethany, you have trust issues," and that I really needed to trust God about the entire speaking in tongues thing.

Well, Friday was a day that I spent thinking about trust and seeking out God in the matter and feeling some comfort but not really seeing any huge solution to my issues. Saturday, I didn't really think about it and then Sunday came around.

Sunday morning was not a good morning for me. I woke up with a migraine and hoped that God would take it away--along with some migraine pills and a lot of water. All three worked, so that was good, but I was still tired and feeling pretty lousy.

And then J Del shared devotions before our first service at Shoreline. What he had to say really spoke to me because I was feeling like a failure to God in a lot of ways, and some of them were very recent. He encouraged me because I'm often wont to forget that God is on my side even when I screw up and that He wants me to come back to Him. So I thought, "Cool, all right, today might not be so bad."

First service wasn't too bad, but at the end when both Zain and Pastor Phil shared about the song "Jesus Never Fails," they both put it in a light that I hadn't really thought of before. I used to think when I heard the song that "Jesus never fails" meant "Jesus will pull you through hard circumstances." God has definitely pulled me through some tough times--some very painful breakups and also dealing with sexual issues from my past--so I know that God doesn't fail us when things get screwed up. But I'd never thought of it in the sense that people have failed me and human relationships have failed me, but God's relationship is always there and that He won't fail me or let me down, that He's trustworthy and that I can trust Him to be there for me and with me no matter what I go through. I have believed in God since I was six years old, but I'm still learning to trust Him implicitly with my life.

Now that I look back on the end of the first service, I can think, "Oh, well clearly that's when I took notice of the emphasis on trusting God," but I don't think that's necessarily the case. See, after first service, I was making a beeline to the changing rooms, just to be away from people--still felt pretty crappy, I'm not gonna lie--and then this woman stopped me and said, "God pointed you out to me up there and told me to pray for you. What can I pray for you about?"

I was pretty taken aback, and I said that there was so much, but then we went to the little prayer chapel and I told her about not really trusting God but wanting to trust Him. She prayed for me in there, mentioning that she didn't know what bad relationships I had gone through in the past to have put me in this place of not trusting God, but asking God to show me repeatedly over the next few weeks that I can trust Him. I cried, but then after praying for me, she and I talked a bit and she mentioned that this was the first year that she didn't have a kid in Choralons. I asked her name, and lo and behold, Mikey Forrey's mom had prayed for me at Shoreline. :) She said that she would continue to pray for me as the Lord laid me on her heart--of which I am very grateful!

Second service I was pretty emotional again, mostly because that's what God does to me when He nails me in the heart. I don't know if you noticed, but especially when we sang "Jesus Never Fails" for the second time, I couldn't stop crying. Sunday morning was such a powerful reminder to me that I could trust God--not just believe in His existence.

By Sunday night, I felt more stable emotionally and was able to look beyond myself more during the service to pray for those in the sanctuary. There was a young girl sitting behind you and Pastor Phil in the second row who had a mask on the whole time. She was one of those girls that I knew there was something going on because of her defensive attitude. I kept praying for her everytime I glanced down into the front row.

When Pastor Phil gave the pseudo altar call at the end of the service, I peeked, hoping that she would raise her hand and praying that she would--and she did! I was so excited. Then, when the prayer team went down into the front and up the aisles, I started praying that someone would go to her, that someone would be prompted to go pray with her. No one was moving, and I asked God to shove me out of the risers if I was supposed to go pray with her. Well, my heart was racing and I knew that I was supposed to go, but I was afraid--and then someone else went to pray with her instead. (In fact, several people prayed and talked with her throughout the prayer time.)

The thing is, I wish that I hadn't missed the opportunity to be a part of that. I'm glad that someone moved to pray with her, but last night pointed out to me that God will have people go and do His will. It's my choice whether or not to obey His call. I felt that I wasn't spiritual or strong enough to go and pray with someone, so I was afraid of going forward and held back instead. I hope that next time that happens, I won't be so afraid.

One more thing, and then I'll end this epic email. :) After the service, when we were changing and grabbing a bite to eat before heading back to school, I ran into one of my residents and started talking with her. She and I have had pretty serious conversations before about what she deals with and how hard her past has been, so it wasn't unusual that she opened up to me again last night. Things have been harder for her this year than I thought that they had been, but when we finished talking, I asked if I could pray for her, and it was a great experience to know that I was able to play a role in helping her--almost like God was giving me a second chance on having skipped out on the earlier altar time.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you, and I hope that it's been an encouragement to hear that Choralons is really ministering to everyone involved--not just the audience who hears us sing, but also the choir.

Thank you for leading us!

~Bethany