Word

It is amazing what peace that accompanies the reading of the Word. I can easily attribute a lot of my bad days to failure to focus on God. There are certainly circumstances in my life--past and present--that do not help the bad days, but the feelings of worthlessness and frustration would be manageable if I stopped trying to deal with them ON MY OWN.

(Side note/analogy: My life isn't a bloody musical as much as I wish to participate in some sweetly melancholic solo. No, no. Life is a chorus and we all contribute to the entire production.)

Anyway, I brought my Bible into the caf during lunch since I hadn't read it in a few days, and was feeling the need for refreshment. Since the Word feeds our souls, I've been starving myself for awhile now. I finished up Galatians and moved into Ephesians.

(Side note 2: the epistles are...well, I feel like they were written to me. Not all parts, but I feel that they connect very much to what I deal with these days.)

I'll leave you with a couple of verses that stood out strongly to me:

Ephesians 2:10~ "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (NLT) This sort of redefined the Jeremiah 29:11 verse that EVERYONE references. I like this one better. :)

Ephesians 3:14- ~ "When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen." (NLT)

I like this last passage because one of the many things I've been struggling with lately is the concept of love. A lot of my friends have been telling me that they love me and have been praying for me. I know that they do--and let me please make it clear that it has been appreciated, my friends!--and yet at the same time, the words seemed to fall flat, like they were just words. Likewise, when people would say that God loves me and wants what's best for me, I felt like they were just cliche. I felt like Eliza Doolittle: "Words, words, words, I'm so sick of words! I get words all day through--first from him, now from you! Is that all you blighters can do?!" (Geez...what's with the random musical references? First Les Miserables, now My Fair Lady?)

Anyhow, so I've been struggling with loving God, loving people, and registering God's love--and peoples' love--in my mind/heart/spleen (insert appropriate body organ according to culture). The thing is, I don't think I'll ever understand love fully. When people love me unconditionally--and there are a few out there--I don't understand it. I feel like there's got to be a catch somewhere, like if I don't maintain a certain veneer of perfection, everything will come crumbling down and the gilt will chip off the frame of happiness.

As little as I understand human love, I understand God's love even less. I think about my life and all that's happened in the short--and yet incredibly long--twenty-one years in which I have inhabited this world, and I cringe. How can God--who is PERFECT--even consider acknowledging my presence? But He does. And not only does He draw attention to me, He loves me. Not only does He love me, but He longs to be sought after by me. By me?! There's got to be something wrong in that equation. I don't know when was the last time that someone sought a broken, twisted leech of a person to chill with. And yet God wants me? See...I'm never going to understand Him. But I love Him.

Another part of this passage that I want to draw attention to is that God has unlimited resources and that He will empower me--and everyone else who believes. I love the following image of growing down into God's love in order to keep strong. Wow. That's just downright beautiful. No, more than that, it's astounding, breathtaking, pulse-hammering, incredible. The thing is, if I grow in the Lord, if I cling to Him for my strength, then I can face this. I can face the past, and even though it's not pleasant, I can walk the road of healing. It's actually possible!

Thank you, God, for continuing to speak to me when I've given up.