crock pot

In Shakespeare's Hamlet, there is a much quoted line spoken by Polonius. "This above all to thine own self be true." Of course, Polonius is an inconsistent flake. But even an idiot can stumble on something true. (And let's face it, Shakespeare liked him some irony!)

I am a people pleaser at heart. I don't like conflict. I don't like dissension among the ranks. I'm a peace keeper--but not very good at being a peace maker. (BIG difference) I am very much a hippy, a treehugger, a free spirit, a "everywhere love" kind of person. I like my rose-tinted glasses, even though in the past few years they've slipped a bit. (I'm trying to push them back up on my nose in a healthy, balanced way.)

Now to the topic of this summer. (Ugh.) It's been weighing on my mind for a long time. What to do? I dunno! I keep pleading with God to give me more direction, and as of last night, I felt like I was still stumbling blindly into a blizzard sandstorm with options swirling around me, but no clear idea of where to go.

I had been planning on getting a job up in Alaska and staying with Tyler's family over the summer, which I still think would be great, and I love his family and know that they want me to come stay with them. (I haven't heard back from any of those applications yet...) Over spring break, my family in California jumped on the idea of me working down there for the summer. I think that would be great too. In either of those situations, I'd have great housing with people I know, a vehicle at my disposal, and a fun location to explore. (Very different details, but similar characteristics.)

Now if you will take a moment to read the setup: a group of people on one end who would love to have me spend the summer with them, and a group of people on the other end who would love to have me spend the summer with them. As I mentioned before, I'm a people pleaser and I feel very torn right now. What do I do? Who do I please? Who would be more upset if I don't end up with them? Who do I have more allegiance to? GAH!!!!

*pulls hair out in clumps*

So take that scenario and set it aside for a moment. Let me rabbit trail for awhile, but I promise I'll get back to this. (Cross my heart!)

The past week has been somewhat insane. (What's new?) I'm not going into the details, because that's not the point. Conclusion: crazy week, very emotional. One day would be a roller coaster, then the next great, then roller coaster, then great, etc.

Last night, I let everything come to a head and was freaking out. I was crying and feeling oppressed and suppressed and depressed, and...pressure! Pressure was there. But again, you don't need all the details--it was just bad.

I was half-texting a friend and I mentioned that I was stressed about the summer. She mentioned this Christian summer camp that she's applied to--and several of my other friends have applied as well. When the topic of that camp came up last week, I was vaguely interested, and mentioned that then. But after awhile, I wasn't very interested at all. So I stopped pursuing it after a brief overview of the camps.

I stopped texting and remained in high anxiety mode for awhile. Then I texted my other friend who had an application on hand for the camp. I told her that I was still interested in applying--if possible. She replied that she'd bring me the application right away, which I thought was odd since it was late last night--12:15 or so.

It's funny how as soon as this mini conversation happened, I felt utter peace. One minute, I felt so overwhelmed that I'd begun to cut again--I only mention this to show the contrast--and the next minute, the tears were gone, and I couldn't conjure up a single negative emotion. I met with Shoshana in the lounge then, and we talked for a little while, then I went back to bed and lay there, soaking in the peace that was there.

I woke up this morning with the same peace, but talking with God, I said, "Okay, right now I'm fine, but in a little while, I'm getting out of bed and out of my room, and I have to face all that crap that beat me over the head yesterday." But the peace lasted, praise the Lord! (I was cranky for awhile due to low blood sugar, however.)

This blog is getting long, and I apologize, but there's still more to say on this topic, so if you've read this far, kudos, my faithful reader!

I want to expand on the possibility of working at this camp this summer. It is a Christian camp, for one, so it would be a positive spiritual environment. There would be NATURE all around me the entire time there--yay!--and it would be tons of fun. Plus, I'd get to work with kids and teenagers again, and get paid to do it. (Dude, that rocks in my opinion!) I don't foresee it stressing me out, either. And ministry. HELLO! I'd be actively ministering to kids and youth who are so desperately seeking.

Another thing is that it isn't for the entire summer, only part of it. This way, I'd be able to live here at NU for part of the summer, keep working at the bookstore and keep making some cash. That would be ideal because then I wouldn't have to stress about where to put my junk all summer. I could move over to summer housing at the end of the semester, and then gradually store things as I needed to. (As is, I don't have the time to get stuff packed up and in storage before potentially heading off to wherever after grad.)

Furthermore, I'd be more centrally located and would be able to work on floor things for next year, like decorations. This doesn't seem like a big thing, but I was seriously stressing about that since I'm going to have two days between RA training and new student orientation in the fall to move in to my room and decorate the floor. So in that respect, I can chill a bit more and work on that during the summer without needing to transport pre-made decorations from another state. *whew*

At this point, I can't think of anymore reasons, but I keep going back to the peace that I have about that possibility, and I'm praying that God will continue to open/close doors as necessary for this summer. Oh wait, another big reason why I like the idea of the camp...if I was still here this summer, I could still go to counseling for at least part of it, which I still need every now and then.

[lengthy period of going to choir, then talking with a mentor]

Okay, after bouncing all this off my sounding board downstairs and coming back to it all with fresh eyes, I still feel a lot of peace about this decision. Good. Moving on!

Oh, and in case the introductory paragraphs of this blog don't seem to tie in: I realized that I couldn't please everyone else about what I did with my life this summer. I need to do what I feel God is telling me to do. (And that is being true to myself.)